Solitude
by Caskett1960
Summary: Post.Rise, Kill Shot, Undead Again, and Always . Kate does a lot of soul searching while spending a solitary summer at her father's cabin after being shot in the chest at Capt. Montgomery's funeral. Rated T to be on the safe side. There won't be any sex, but there'll be language. I'm definitely going AU with some chapters.
1. Chapter 1--Awareness

**Disclaimers: Let me check. Nope, 'Castle' still belongs to the creative genius that is Andrew W. Marlowe.**

**Title: Solitude**

**Summary: A post-'Rise' story. Kate does a lot of soul searching while spending a solitary summer at her father's cabin in the woods. **

**A/N: As much as I hate to do it, this story has to include Josh, at least a little bit. I'm going to see if I can write a 'Castle' story set before Rick and Kate got together. I'll rate this one T just to be on the safe side. There won't be any sex, but I'm that there'll be language.**

Chapter 1: Awareness

_May 17, 2011_

The first thing that returned to Kate Beckett's awareness of the here and now was the pain. It seemed to crush her, consume her, with its intensity. She moaned as she fought against it. It had been so nice where she was. It had been warm and dark. Comforting somehow. Her mother had been there for just a fleeting moment, giving her the smile that she always remembered. But then she was gone and Kate was left with the bone-numbing pain. "Kate," she heard a muffled voice calling her name, as if it were coming from a tunnel. "Kate, open your eyes." She finally opened her unfocused green eyes to see dark hair and smiling eyes. At first she thought that it was Castle, but then the face came into sharper focus. "Welcome back," Dr. Josh Davidson smiled down on her.

"Josh," she croaked, her tongue sticking to the roof of her mouth.

"How do you feel?"

How did he think that she felt? She felt like she'd gotten shot. "How long—"

"You've been out for almost 24 hours. We decided to cut down on the sedation this morning so that you'd start coming out of it. How's the pain?"

"Awful. Could I . . . get some water?"

"Hold on," he put a plastic straw in a cup and bent it so that she could take a couple of sips. Just that small bit of exertion quickly exhausted her. "Your father's been outside waiting to see you. Do you feel up to it?"

She didn't say anything, but simply nodded. She closed her eyes as she waited for him, but in her head she remembered the last words she'd heard after the bullet had slammed into her chest. _"I love you. I love you, Kate_." She wondered where her partner was. She wondered if he was out there with her dad. When she opened her eyes again, her father was sitting beside her, taking her cold hand in his. "You had us scared there for a little while, Katie bug," he said, calling her by her familiar nickname. "I won't stay long. You need to get your rest. I'll let Castle know that you're awake. He's been anxious to see you."

"Tomorrow," she managed to say as he nodded. She wanted to say more but the pain was so bad that speech was almost impossible.

Jim Beckett could see his daughter grimacing against the pain, trying hard not to cry. "I'll let someone know that you need something for the pain. I'll come back later. I love you."

"Love you, too," she whispered as she dug her nails into his palm.

Soon after he left, a nurse came in with a needle. Plunging it into her IV line, the pain melted away to be replaced by the warm, comforting darkness once again.

***CCC***

_May 18, 2011_

Kate didn't know who's bright idea it was to make her get out of bed two days after taking a bullet to the chest, but at the moment all that she wanted to do was put them in the box and make them cry like a little girl. She toddled along the hall as Josh kept a protective hand on her elbow. Now she knew what a newborn fawn felt like.

"Can we please go back?" She begged, unsure of how long her legs would hold her up.

"Yeah, we'll try to go farther later," Josh turned her around and led her back to her bed.

'Great,' she thought to herself as Josh helped her back into her bed and covered her up. She lay back against her pillow and wearily closed her eyes. She hissed as she tried to take a deep breath. She let her fingers travel down her side to another thick patch of white gauze. She was familiar with the gauze on her chest, but this one was new to her.

"Your lung collapsed," she heard Josh explaining to her. "I had to cut you open to put in a chest tube. The tube was removed yesterday, but you're going to be sore for awhile. I had to cut through skin and muscle."

"I'm really tired, Josh. And I'm really hurting right now. Could you please just come back later?"

"I'll come back and check on you when I go to lunch," he planted a soft kiss on her forehead.

His over-attentiveness was driving her crazy! Didn't he understand that she didn't like being taken care of? She was used to relying on herself. She'd been that way since she was a little girl. She valued her solitude and she liked the fact that she didn't need anybody. She could do things for herself.

"Ms. Beckett?" She opened her eyes to find another person in green scrubs standing beside her bed. "I'm Dr. Travis. I was the surgeon who operated on you after the shooting."

"I thought . . . that Dr. Davidson operated."

"He started things. I took over for him. Under the circumstances, we didn't think it was wise to allow your boyfriend to operate on you."

"When can I get out of here?"

"In four or five days. You're going to need physical therapy to get your strength back. It might take a while. We almost lost you a couple of times. When you get out of here, you're going to have to take it easy."

"For how long?"

"That's up to how fast your body heals. It could take several months."

Several months. The department wouldn't allow her to come back until she was 100 percent. That meant physically and mentally. The thought right now was too depressing to think about. Instead she closed her eyes and tried to ignore the doctor as he continued droning on. Finally he left, leaving her to slip back into her dark cocoon. When she opened her eyes once again, Josh was sitting at her bedside. "Hello, Sleeping Beauty."

"Can you raise the bed up a little?" She asked as he pointed to the remote panel at her bedside. "Oh, okay."

She raised the bed up so that she was sitting up, trying to ignore the pain in her chest and side. "So, I understand that Dr. Travis came in to talk to you," he said as he took her hand.

"I don't want to talk about that," she pulled her hand away. "Do you have any funny stories for me?"

"It'll hurt to laugh," he warned.

"It can't hurt any worse than it already does."

They were laughing and chatting quietly when Castle walked in. "Hey, Castle," Kate breathed as she glanced at Josh.

"I'll come back and see you after rounds," Josh kissed her cheek as he got up and left, walking past Castle on his way out.

Kate didn't miss the look that passed between the two men as Castle walked up to her bed, carrying a vase of flowers in his hand.

***CCC***

Walking out of the hospital, Castle couldn't help but feel slightly defeated. She actually didn't remember anything that happened after the shooting? She couldn't remember him telling her that he loved her? She told him that she'd call him. But, she'd seemed . . . different somehow.

And then there was that asshole Josh. Dr. Motorcycle Boy. If looks could kill, he would've dropped to the floor in a heap. Why didn't he understand that Kate was a big girl? Yes, he'd helped her look into her mother's murder case, but the request had come from Kate when they were investigating the Coonan murder. Neither of them had any idea how deep the conspiracy would go. They had no idea that Capt. Montgomery was involved in it. And they certainly hadn't planned on him giving his life to protect Kate.

***CCC***

Lying back against her pillows, Kate thought about her conversation with Castle. She'd never been uncomfortable around him before, but now things felt strange. It had been easier to lie about not remembering anything rather than admit that she'd heard his last words to her as she slipped into unconsciousness. _"I love you. I love you, Kate."_

"So, Castle didn't stay long," she sighed as Josh stepped back up to her bed.

"I told him that I was tired."

"Kate, I was thinking. You're getting out of here in a few days. I can arrange to take some time off—"

"No."

"Kate, you're going to need somebody to take care of you. Somebody who can make sure that you take your medication and get to your therapy appointments."

"Josh, I'm not a child! I can take care of myself. The last thing that I need or want right now is a fucking babysitter!"

"I'm sorry that you think of me as your jailer," he said in a harsh voice. "I seem to remember that I'm your boyfriend."

Kate sighed. She hated the expression 'boyfriend.' It sounded like she was in junior high. "Josh, like I told Castle, I'm really tired. I'm about to ask for pain meds and then I'm going to go to sleep for a while."

"Okay. I'll check on you later," he got up and walked away.

As she drifted off to sleep, her thoughts went to the afternoon of the shooting. She'd been singing Capt. Roy Montgomery's praises one minute and the next she was being tackled to the ground by what felt like a linebacker for the New York Jets. She remembered looking up into Castle's terrified blue eyes as she felt her life draining out of her. She closed her eyes tightly to block out those last images as she slipped into warm blackness, feeling it wrap itself around her like a blanket.

Her next memory was hearing Lanie's voice coming from somewhere above her. _"Don't you die on me, Kate. Don't you dare die on me!" _Then she heard incredible noise, followed by a sharp, stabbing pain in her side. After that, everything was dark and warm once again.

The first time she'd woke up, there was a tube down her throat. It had been terrifying and she remembered fighting as it was removed, leaving her throat raw and sore. The soreness still lingered two days later. It reminded her of when she'd had her tonsils removed when she was a little girl.

She just wanted to go somewhere where she could be alone and not think about that horrible day. She wanted to forget Castle's last words to her.

***CCC***

_May 20, 2011_

Kate was slowly walking the halls as her father held onto her. While it still hurt, at least walking no longer left her in tears like it had just a few days before. "So, they're planning on springing you in a couple of days?" Jim Beckett smiled as they continued walking. "You're more than welcome to stay with me for a few days if you need to. Or, were you going to stay with Josh?"

"I was thinking," she said as they slowly walked back toward her room, "about the cabin. Would it be all right it I stayed out there for a while?"

"Alone?" Jim looked skeptical. "Katie, do you really think that you should be alone right now?"

"I'm not going to go out there to drink," she gave him a bitter look, remembering the years when he'd hid in a bottle after her mother's death. "I just want to go somewhere quiet so that I can think."

"Does Josh know about this?"

"I wish that all of you would stop treating me like I'm an incompetent child!" She stopped when she felt the deep, searing pain in her side. The pain that seemed to suck all of her breath from her body.

"Katie, let's go back," her father guided her back to her bed and helped her get settled into it. "I don't mean to treat you like you don't know what you're doing. I just don't know if it's a good idea for you to be alone right now."

"So, you can come out to make sure that I get to my appointments. Please, dad? I can't go back to work and I don't want to stay in the city."

"Okay," he finally relented. "I'll make sure that everything's in order before I take you up there. You're absolutely sure about this?"

"I've never been surer of anything in my life."

"I'll go by your apartment and pack you some clothes."

"Just pack some sundresses, nothing with a waistband."

"Okay," he nodded.

Convincing her dad that she needed some alone time had been far easier than she'd anticipated. But, something told her that telling Josh wasn't going to be nearly as easy. One of the major hurdles in her relationship with the handsome doctor had been his inability to understand that there were times when she simply needed to be alone. Some of it had to do with her job. After a rough day of chasing bad guys and getting confessions, she just wanted to go home to silence. To just unwind with a glass of wine and a good book or her beloved John Coltrane on her iPod. Being a surgeon, Josh had understood part of that need to unwind after a long, trying day. But, there were times . . . she shook her head to clear her thoughts. For a while now, she'd felt that this relationship between them wasn't going anywhere. She didn't know if it was because of him or because she was holding herself back for something or someone else.

He stopped by at dinnertime, smiling as he walked up to her bed with his hands behind his back as she carefully watched him. "What's behind your back?"

"I thought that you might be getting tired of hospital food, so I brought you this," he pulled his hands from behind his back, revealing a bag from her favorite Chinese restaurant. "If you get caught with this, I'm pleading the fifth."

"Thank you," she smiled as he handed her a plastic fork. "Would you like to share?"

"I thought that you'd never ask. So, are you anxious to get out of here?"

"I need to talk to you about that. After we eat," she said as she began eating. But, after just a few bites, she'd had enough and pushed the food away. "I guess my appetite hasn't quite come back, yet. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. You'll get there. So, have you given any more thought to me taking care of you?"

Damn, he was relentless. "Yes, I have. And no, I don't want you 'taking care' of me. I'm going to stay out at my father's cabin for a little while."

"Haven't you told me that your father's cabin is in the middle of nowhere?"

"Yes, thus the appeal."

"Kate, I don't understand you," he stood up and began to pace as he ran his fingers through his hair. "Do you have a thing for your partner? Is that why you're shoving me away?"

"Josh, this has nothing to do with Castle! I just got shot! I need time to recover!"

"No, you want time to run and hide because it's what you do! Every single time that I've tried to get close to you in the past nine months, you've pulled away from me. I love you, Kate! I saved your life! If that isn't love, I don't know what is."

"So, I'm supposed to be eternally grateful because you saved my life? I don't need you hovering over me, making sure that I take my pills and go to my sessions. I'm 31 years old. I've been taking care of myself for a long time. I'm telling you what I need and you're not listening to me! I need peace and quiet. I want to go on long walks in the woods and listen to music on my iPod or time to catch up on my reading. It's not forever, Josh. Just until I feel that I'm in a good place. Please let me do this."

He couldn't help noticing that she didn't say that she loved him when he'd told her that just a moment before. He couldn't remember her ever saying it back to him, not even after they'd made love. "Will you at least let me come out there to see you?"

"Of course," she smiled.

"Will you do me another favor and think about what I said about the running and hiding? You might not notice that you do it, Kate, but I do."

As she settled down for the night, she thought about what Josh had said about the running and hiding. It was true that it was something that she did. She remembered telling Castle about falling down the rabbit hole while she was looking into her mother's death as a young police officer. That was the way that she'd felt, much like Alice in the book when she'd fallen down the rabbit hole. She felt as if she was still struggling to pull herself out of that hole. She wondered if she'd ever succeed.

**A/N #2: In case you didn't notice, there's not much Castle in this chapter. It's going to be like that for a few chapters. **


	2. Chapter 2--Peace and Quiet

**Disclaimers: Yeah, I wish.**

**Title: Solitude—Chapter 2**

**Summary: Kate begins her self-imposed exile at her father's cabin, as she begins both her physical therapy and her mandated psychiatric evaluation in order to return to active duty.**

**A/N #1: I miss Kate's sessions with Dr. Burke from Season 4. I liked him and it took me a while to realize that he was played by the actor who played 'Worf' on 'Star Trek: The Next Generation,' which only made me like him more. I hope that we get to see more of him in the future, because I don't think Kate's done with the PTSD, by a long shot.**

**A/N #2: I don't know if Kate's a Bob Dylan fan, but I am. So he stays.**

Chapter 2: Peace and Quiet

_June 7, 2011_

Kate was sitting in her usual spot, watching the river rushing by. She'd discovered this huge boulder during one of her trips to the cabin as a teenager. Nobody knew about this spot but her. It was a great spot to sit and think, or listen to Coltrane and Dylan on her iPod. She'd thought about adding some other music selections just so she'd have some variety, but finally decided that all she really needed was her two favorites.

It had been two weeks since her father had brought her out here. After asking her for the zillionth time if she was sure that this was what she wanted to do, he'd finally reluctantly dropped her off and gone back into town. He checked in with her every other day to see if she needed anything. He came out on Tuesdays and Thursdays to take her to her appointments in town. It hadn't been easy to schedule both her PT and her psychologists' appointments for the same days, but she'd finally managed to do it.

She instinctively reached between her breasts and lightly touched the still healing wound on her chest. It wasn't nearly as sensitive as the incision on her side, but it still hurt. She'd made the mistake of trying to run a couple of days before and had thought that she was going to have a heart attack. 'Okay, so running's out," she'd said after her chest had finally stopped hurting. Right now she didn't venture much further from the cabin than her rock. She'd sit on her rock for hours at a time, listening to the roar of the river below her. She sometimes found herself wondering just where that river led to. One day, she vowed to find out.

Josh had called her a few times since her exile. He'd been busy with work, but he offered to come down for a weekend when he could find someone to switch with him. Something about the words in his last phone call had annoyed her.

"_So, how are you?" He'd asked._

"_I'm doing okay."_

"_Have you decided when you're coming back to city?"_

"_I don't know, Josh. The city's too fast for me right now, it's too crowded. I just need some peace and quiet."_

"_Are you seeing someone?"_

"_Yes," she sounded slightly annoyed._

"_I'm sorry, Kate. I just don't think that being alone is the answer."_

"_I'm okay, Josh."_

"_I'll come up there for the weekend if I can find someone to switch shifts with me. Maybe in the next couple of weeks. It is okay if I come up and visit you, isn't it?"_

"_I'd like that," she said, although for some reason she wasn't really sure if she wanted to see him or not. There was something in his words just now that annoyed her._

"_Will you call if you need me?"_

"_I'll call you," she repeated robotically. _

"_I love you, Kate."_

"_I'll talk to you later, Josh," she said as she ended the call._

For some reason she found herself comparing Josh to Castle. Castle wouldn't have waited for someone to switch shifts with him. He would've dropped everything to be with her regardless of whether it cost him his job or not. "God, why am I thinking of Castle?" She pushed her hands through her hair.

Maybe that was why she found herself irritated with Josh. If he cared so much for her, why hadn't he insisted on coming out here with her? "Because you told him not to, you dummy," she chastised herself.

She hadn't talked to anybody from the 12th since she'd gotten released from the hospital. There were times when she found herself wondering about the progress that had been made to find her shooter. She knew from what her father had told her that they'd found the gun, but it was as if the shooter was a ghost. She knew that the boys and Castle wouldn't give up until they found the truth.

Which led her in the direction of most of her thoughts these days. Richard Castle. For some reason she remembered the night that Roy Montgomery had been killed in that airplane hangar. When Roy had shouted at Castle to get her out of there, the mystery writer hadn't hesitated. She could remember his strong arms around her waist as he physically carried her out of the hangar, before the men who'd been responsible for her mother's death had seen her. She remembered screaming and crying for him to let her go back to her captain, to try and save him. Castle had pinned her against the car, running his hands through her hair and desperately trying to shush her frantic cries. At that moment, she'd hated him as much as it was possible to hate anyone.

But, that day in the cemetery as she glanced over to where he was standing immediately to her right, something seemed to change. She might've even talked to him at Capt. Montgomery's home after the service later, if she'd only gotten the chance.

She never heard the shot, but she felt it slam into her. She longed to call Castle and tell him that his linebacker tackle had come just a fraction of a second too late. But, she couldn't do that. Because she'd lied to him. She woke up at night with memories of those words coming back to her. _"I love you. I love you, Kate."_

The alarm on her cell phone began going off. She glanced at the time. It was time to go and take her medications. She'd managed to cut down on the pain pills by doing simple deep breathing exercises when the pain got bad. For the most part, it seemed to work. She was just on antibiotics now and she was hoping to stop with those soon.

***CCC***

_June 10, 2011_

"So, are you going to sign off on me soon?" Kate asked, sitting across from her psychologist, Dr. Burke on a sunny June day.

"I don't know. Do you think that you're ready to return to work?"

"Mentally, I am. Physically, according to my doctor, I'm not quite ready."

"Then, why don't we just keep talking until you're ready on both counts," the doctor smiled his enigmatic little smile as he relaxed in his chair.

"Won't we run out of things to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know. You're 31 years old. I'm sure that we could find something in your past to talk about."

"So, the shooting," she sighed as she tucked her long legs under her.

"We'll get back to that. Why did you become a police officer?"

He noticed that she instinctively reached for the long chain around her neck, the one that held her mother's engagement ring on it. "I was going to Stanford, majoring in Pre-Law. I was home on Christmas break. On January 9, 1999, my dad and I were meeting my mom for dinner. She didn't show up, but we figured that she'd gotten tied up at work. It wouldn't have been the first time," she smiled sadly. "When we got home two hours later, we found a detective waiting for us. His name was Raglan," it didn't matter how many times she'd told the story, it never got any easier with each subsequent telling. "They'd found a body in an alley. They ruled out robbery because her purse was still there and she was still wearing her jewelry. They attributed it to gang violence and just dropped it."

"So that's why you became a cop?"

"I transferred to NYU to be near my father. My mother's death almost destroyed him."

"Did they ever catch the person who did it?"

"Do we really have to talk about this now?"

"No, we don't have to talk about it, at all. Do you still have no memory of the events right after the shooting?"

"The last thing that I remember is talking about Capt. Montgomery. I don't remember anything after that until I woke up the next day in the hospital," she lied.

"Does that bother you?"

"I don't know. My doctor told me that some things are best not remembered. He said it's probably my mind's way of protecting me."

"That's quite possibly true. How are you enjoying your exile?"

"I like it," she smiled. "I have a special spot where I like to sit and think."

"What do you think about?"

"My family, my friends at work—" her voice trailed off.

"Are you still seeing Josh?"

"I haven't seen him since I went out to the cabin. We talk a couple of times a week. He's trying to make arrangements to come out for the weekend."

"You don't sound thrilled by the prospect," he couldn't help but notice.

"Our relationship has been at an impasse for a while now. I'm not sure where we're going and I don't think that he knows, either."

"Then, I guess that you have a decision to make. Do you continue things as they are or do you cut him loose?"

"What do you think that I should do?"

"I can't answer that, Kate. I'm not the one who's in the relationship."

For some reason, her thoughts once again returned to Castle and something that he'd told her before the shooting. When he accused her of getting in relationships with men that she didn't love. For a short time, she'd thought that maybe Josh was the one. But, his constant traveling and making plans with him only to have them dashed at the last minute had been grating on her nerves. She remembered what she'd told Castle when they thought that they'd come into contact with radioactive material. _"I just want somebody who can be there for me and that I can be there for him. We can be there for each other." _

She and Castle had gotten so close during that case. When she'd flown into his arms after he pulled all of the wires on the dirty bomb, she'd relished the feel of being in his arms as they held each other. That was about the time that she'd started pulling herself away from Josh. Maybe she should call Castle. It had been weeks, after all. She knew that he had to be worried about her.

***CCC***

After leaving Dr. Burke's office, she met her father in the waiting room and he drove her to her physical therapist for her session with him. Right now, he just had her on strength training, nothing too strenuous. As she pulled on the weights, she could feel both of her scars protesting. An hour of this was all that she could stand right now.

After taking a shower, she got dressed and met her father where they went to a small deli nearby for lunch. "So, how did your session go today?" Jim Beckett asked, as he did after every session.

"Dad, do you think that I should end things with Josh?"

"That's not my call, Katie. What is your gut telling you?"

"I thought that I cared about him, but now I'm not so sure."

"He's a good man," Jim pointed out to her.

"Yes, he is," she agreed. "But, I don't know. I'll work it out."

"Of that I have no doubt," he smiled at her.

When she got back to the cabin, she exchanged her flats for a pair of flip flops and grabbed her ear buds as she walked out to her rock. Listening to the bluesy sounds of John Coltrane, she closed her eyes and tried to think. She was deep in thought when her phone rang. She looked at the screen, smiling when she saw Lanie's smiling face. "Hi, Lanie," she answered.

"Girl, I ought to smack you," Lanie's familiar voice made Kate smile. "When you go into exile, you seriously disappear. How are you feeling?"

"Better. Stronger. How are the boys?"

"Worried about you. We're all trying to adjust to the new captain. Roy Montgomery she ain't."

So the new captain was a woman. "Tell them that I miss them."

"Why don't you call and tell them yourself? How's Josh?"

"Okay," she hedged. "He might be coming out this weekend. Lanie, have you seen Castle?"

"No, not in a while. The new captain isn't exactly a fan of having a civilian around and after the scene between him and Josh in the hospital, well, he's been laying low."

"What scene? Lanie, what're you talking about?"

"Maybe I shouldn't have said anything," the medical examiner said.

"Well, you did, so spill. What scene?"

"When Josh came out of the OR, he attacked Castle. He said that everything that happened was his fault, that none of it would've happened if he hadn't talked you into looking into your mother's murder."

"Are you fucking kidding? I was the one who asked Castle to help me! He didn't twist my arm behind my back or hold a gun to my head."

"Girl, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

"What did Castle do?"

"He was too shocked to do anything. I thought that Martha and Alexis were going to beat the shit out of Josh. Your dad was the one who finally brought them to their senses. But, Martha told me later that Castle does blame himself. She said the way that he was acting, you would've thought that he'd shot you himself."

After talking to Lanie for a few more minutes, Kate ended the call, her mind now made up. She wasn't going to have her boyfriend attacking her friends. That was a deal breaker as far as she was concerned. But, she also couldn't call Castle and go running to him. Not when she'd blatantly lied to his face. She wasn't the type of girl to dump one guy and go running straight into the arms of another.

So when Josh called her the next morning and told her that he'd be up Friday afternoon to spend the weekend, she was ready for him.

***CCC***

_June 13, 2011_

When she heard the unmistakable sound of the Harley engine late that Friday afternoon, Kate began to get that same constricted feeling in her chest that she often got on her twice weekly visits into the city. The feeling that she was being slowly strangled. She'd enjoyed the last few weeks of peace and tranquility. The sight of Josh showing up was seriously harshing her mellow.

The sight of his smiling face as he parked his bike and climbed off did nothing to alleviate that feeling. She was sitting on the top step of the porch, wearing her usual attire of a sundress and flip flops, her brown hair braided in two pigtails. "You look cute," he removed his helmet as he walked up to the porch.

"Did you have any trouble finding the cabin?"

"Nope, your directions were pretty straightforward. This place is pretty remote. I was kind of expecting to run into the Big Bad Wolf."

"No, I get the occasional bear, but no wolves."

"So, do I get the grand tour?" He asked as she stood up.

"Follow me," she said as she led him into the house.

The inside of the cabin was far more luxurious that it appeared from the outside. There was a large living room with a stone fireplace and a modern kitchen. The master bedroom was downstairs, but Kate had always thought of that as her father's bedroom. Her bedroom was upstairs. He followed her up as she slowly navigated the stairs. "Maybe you should be sleeping downstairs," he suggested.

"The downstairs bedroom was . . . is my father's."

"But, it's obvious that climbing stairs is painful for you."

"Are you here on a consultation or a visit?" She turned to glare at him.

"Okay, this is me backing off," he held his hands up in mock surrender.

Why did she have the sudden urge to kick the arrogant asshole down the stairs? She wasn't sure that she could do this with him for an entire weekend. "So, what do you think?" She asked as they walked into her bedroom.

"This is nice, Kate," he said, looking out her window at the view. "I'm glad that I was able to come up here."

Now that he was here, she found herself wondering if she could break things off with him, after all. There were things about him that she really, really liked. He was good looking; he was a fucking surgeon, for crying out loud. She also couldn't forget that he was also good in bed. But, he never seemed to be there when she really needed him. He was off to Haiti or Africa or whatever country he was going to next. Did she want to live like that for the next 50 years?

She knew that she definitely needed to end it. It was just torture to put it off any longer. But she couldn't do it today, not when he'd driven so long to come out here. It could wait for another 12 hours. "I made some iced tea," she said. "Let's get some and we can go sit in the porch swing."

After pouring two glasses of tea, she reached for his hand and led him out to the swing on the porch swing. "Have I told you how great you look?" He kissed the top of her head as they settled on the swing. "The scar seems to be healing nicely," he nodded toward the puckered scar that was visible between her breasts. "How's the other one?"

"You're consulting again," she gently reminded him.

"I can't help it. Are you rubbing cocoa butter on them like Dr. Travis instructed?"

"Are you really going to spend the entire weekend talking about my damn scars? This is nature, Josh. Just sit and enjoy the peace," her green eyes were blazing.

"Kate, if I'd wanted quiet, I could've stayed home. I came up here to be with you."

"Then, be with me. Forget about my scars. I'm a big girl. I know how to follow a doctor's instructions."

"I'm sorry," he pulled her into his shoulder. "I just can't help worrying about you being out here by yourself."

"Josh, believe me, I'm not about to be a future episode of 'I Survived.' Are you hungry? I was thinking of making spaghetti carbonara."

"Yeah, that sounds great," he smiled.

They actually made it through dinner keeping topics of conversation on the light side. He told her that he was thinking of going back to Haiti at the end of the summer for three months. "Another Doctors without Borders mission?" She asked, as she took a drink of her tea. Her medications meant that she couldn't drink wine, something that she missed, especially with pasta.

"Yeah," he nodded. "This is really great, Kate. I've missed your cooking. So, what have you been doing out here by yourself?"

"Reading, listening to music, taking long walks, going down to the river."

"It sounds nice."

"That's because it is nice."

"So, have you talked to your friends?"

"Yeah, I talked to Lanie earlier in the week," she said, her voice suddenly tight.

"But, no one else?" He asked as he took a sip of his tea.

"If you're asking if I've talked to Castle, the answer is no. The boys keep my father updated and he passes any updates on to me when I see him."

"You do know that Castle has a serious hard-on for you?"

"Are you really going to do this now? I've told you that Castle and I are _partners_, nothing more."

"He's not a cop, Kate."

"I'm well aware of that, _Rick_. I mean Josh," she quickly corrected herself.

"You know, maybe this was a bad idea," he threw his napkin on the table and stood up.

"Maybe it was," she agreed.

"Can I ask you a question?" He stared at her as she returned his gaze. "Are we going anywhere?"

"I don't think so," she whispered.

"That's probably the first honest thing that you've said to me since we met."

"_You run and hide. You get into relationships with men that you don't love." _Castle's harsh words came back to her. "Why'd you attack Castle the day that I got shot?"

"Why?" He shouted at her. "Because if it hadn't been for him, you wouldn't have got shot, Kate!"

"I was the one who asked for Castle's help, not the other way around. You've taken everything that I've told you and twisted it to fit the way that you want to see it."

"He's a womanizer, Kate. But, I'll tell you what. Why don't you just go fuck him and get it out of your system? See if you still want him after that. Or if he still wants you."

"I think that it's time for you to go," she said, her voice harsh.

"Yeah, I think so, too," he walked over and grabbed his helmet from beside the fireplace and quickly strapped it on. "You told me once that you thought that your mother's murder would destroy you. Well, I'll tell you something. It still is."

She was tempted to tell him to go fuck himself, but she held her tongue. Instead she followed him to the front porch and watched him get on his bike as he fired it to life. As she watched him drive away, she made a mental note to call him in a few days to make arrangements to pick up their things from each other's apartments.

Walking back inside, she couldn't help the feeling that breaking up with him should've made her feel better than it did. Instead, it just made her feel depressed. He was a really nice guy and she'd just blown it with him. What woman in her right mind threw away a doctor and a surgeon, at that? But, she didn't really want a doctor. What she wanted was a certain mystery writer, and she feared that it was too late for her to have him.

***CCC***

"For heaven's sake, Richard, swallow your pride and call her," Martha Rodgers told her son. "I'm sure that Kate would love to hear from you."

"She told me that she'd call me, mother," Castle took another swallow of his drink, enjoying the comforting burn as the aged Scotch made its way down his throat.

Was it really his pride that was stopping him from calling Kate or was it the idea that she could reject him any more than she already had by telling him that she didn't remember anything after the shooting?

Every moment of that awful day replayed itself over and over in his mind, much as the news reports of 9/11 had. He remembered the glint of the sun coming off of the scope just milliseconds before the bullet hit Kate. He remembered her gasp as she crumpled to the ground at the same moment that he had tackled her. He could still feel the mindless terror as he saw the red blood quickly soaking her dark blue uniform. He could see the terror in her eyes as they met his as he told her to stay with him, that he loved her.

They didn't even try to stop him when he got into the ambulance with her and Lanie. He hadn't even taken the time to think about anything else but making sure that Kate made it to the hospital. Kate had been so pale, so still . . .

The waiting had been interminable. When his mother and Alexis had arrived, he held onto them like he never wanted to let them go. And then Josh had come out of the OR and had gone all Mike Tyson on him. It was only after Jim Beckett had shouted at both men to stop that they'd finally come to their senses.

He looked at his phone again, but once again decided not to call her. Instead he went into his office and booted up his laptop. Going into his email contacts, he brought up Kate's email address.

_Kate,_

_I'm just shooting you a quick email to check on how you're doing. I don't know if you're ready to talk to anybody, but when you are, I'll be there. _

_So, what does one do in the middle of nowhere, anyway? Do you hunt, fish, look for Bigfoot? If you're looking for Bigfoot, shoot me a line and I'll come help you. _

_Castle_

He paused with his finger over the 'send' key. Was he really ready to forgive her after not hearing from her for weeks? After sitting there with his finger hovering over the key for five minutes, he instead closed the email. When he was asked if he wanted to save the email, he clicked on the 'no.' key.

**A/N #3: When I had Kate call Josh 'Rick' by accident, at first that was a mistake on my part. But my boyfriend, who proofreads for me, saw it and told me to leave it. **

**Please read and review. Everybody has been great, so far.**


	3. Chapter 3--Sounds and Shadows

**Disclaimers: 'Castle' still belongs to Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC Studios. I'm just having a good time with their creations.**

**Summary: Kate tries to deal with the increasing nightmares that she's been suffering from since going to the cabin. She also begins talking about her conflicting feelings regarding Castle to Dr. Burke.**

Chapter 3: Sounds and Shadows

_July 1, 2011_

Kate shot up in her bed, her hand over her pounding heart as she felt the scream die in her throat. She'd been having nightmares since the shooting, but they'd been increasing in frequency. Her eyes darted around the dark bedroom, as if she expected somebody to be lurking in the shadows of her room. She listened to the noises outside of her window as her heart continued to pound loudly.

She reached under her pillow for her gun as she got out of bed and crept down the stairs, her ears tuning in to every sound as she went downstairs. She walked over to the window and pulled back the curtain. She couldn't see anything in the pitch blackness. Walking over to the door, she turned the locks and stepped out onto the front porch, watching and listening. The only sounds were those of the occasional owl and whatever other animals were roaming around at night.

After standing outside for several minutes, she began to feel stupid. 'It was just a nightmare,' she went back inside and locked the door before going back upstairs to her bed. But, she couldn't go back to sleep.

She decided to take a hot bubble bath, hoping that would relax her. She went into the bathroom and turned on the taps as she pulled her nightshirt over her head, making a face at her reflection in the mirror. The scar that ran from under her breast almost down to her navel on her right side was still red and angry looking. In her opinion, it was hideous. She reached up to touch the one between her breasts. She found herself wondering if any man was ever going to want her ever again. She'd never considered herself particularly vain about her appearance, but her skin had always been flawless. All it took was a sniper in a cemetery to change how she felt about herself.

She stepped into the tub and sank down into the bubbles. As usual, her thoughts drifted to the shooting. Maybe in the morning she could call Ryan or Esposito to see how things were going. She knew that they were keeping her dad updated, but maybe they weren't telling him everything. She was seeing her dad on Tuesday. Maybe he could take her by the precinct so that she could talk to them. She needed to introduce herself to the new captain, anyway.

After staying in the tub until the water got cold, she got out and dried herself off before putting her nightshirt back on and getting back into bed. When she still found that she couldn't sleep, she popped her ear buds into her iPod and turned on Coltrane. With the sound of his saxophone playing in her ears, she finally drifted off to sleep.

***CCC***

The next morning, Kate was taking her usual walk through the woods around the cabin. It was a walk that she made every morning, but this morning she felt on edge. Every snap of a twig seemed to be magnified as she searched the woods as if for a hidden gunman with a sniper rifle. Instead of the walk relaxing her as it usually did, she returned home tense and hyperaware. She felt like she was losing her mind.

_July 3, 2011_

Jim Beckett couldn't help but notice that his daughter seemed anxious as they headed into the city for her appointments. "Katie, are you okay?" He finally asked as he saw her looking out of the car window as if she was looking for something. "You look tired."

"I haven't slept well the last couple of nights. After we finish with my appointments, can you take me by the precinct? I want to talk to the boys."

"Katie, they haven't found out anything more. I call them every day."

"I just want to talk to them. I want to meet the new captain, anyway."

"She seems like a nice woman," he commented as Kate looked at him. "I met her right after you got shot. She seems tougher than Montgomery, but I guess that she'd have to be seeing as how she has a job that's dominated by men."

Dr Burke smiled as Kate walked into his office, a smile that disappeared when he saw how pale and drawn she looked. "Kate, have a seat. What's going on?"

"What do you mean?" She asked as she sat in her usual chair.

"Have you looked in a mirror lately? You have huge circles under your eyes. It's obvious that you haven't been sleeping well."

"Uh, can you give me some sleeping pills or tranquilizers? I've been having awful nightmares," she ran a hand through her hair.

"I told you on one of your earlier visits that you're going to have nightmares. That's all a part of the healing. Pills aren't going to make them go away."

"I've been having them since the shooting, but they've been getting worse lately. I hear things everywhere. Even when I'm awake."

"What kinds of things do you hear?"

"When I'm walking, I hear twigs break and I think that somebody's following me, but there's nobody there."

"Your heart starts pounding and you start sweating?" He guessed as she nodded. "It sounds like you're having panic attacks. That's a common reaction considering what you've been through."

"How do I make them stop?"

"By talking about what happened. By talking about you. What do you dream about?"

"I'm either in the hangar and Castle doesn't get me out in time or I'm at the funeral and he manages to tackle me in time."

"So, both dreams involve scenarios where Castle was forced to rescue you? One time he succeeded and the second time he failed."

"He didn't fail; he just wasn't quite fast enough."

"Did you think that he'd ever try to take a bullet for you?"

"He's my partner," she answered simply.

"Do you wish that he was more?"

"He's an overgrown adolescent."

"But, you're obviously fond of him. It shows every time you talk about him. Have you still not spoken to him?"

"The only person that I've spoken to is Lanie. I'm going to the precinct this afternoon to talk to my team."

"How are you feeling regarding the break up with Josh? Are you having second thoughts?"

"No, it was the right decision. The last time I saw him, he couldn't decide if he wanted to be my boyfriend or my doctor."

"How do you mean?"

"He kept asking me if I was taking care of my scars, shit like that. It really annoyed me. He wanted to know why I was sleeping upstairs when it was clear that it was hard for me to climb the stairs."

"Did you explain that climbing the stairs is probably exactly what you need to start loosening that scar on your side?"

"I didn't think of that," she smiled. "It's just that the downstairs bedroom has always been my fathers. When my mother was alive, she shared it with him. It doesn't feel right for me to sleep in their bed."

"You said on an earlier visit when we talked about your mother's death, that it almost destroyed your father. What happened?"

"He started drinking. He stayed plastered for the first five years after her murder."

"Did it anger you?"

"Yeah," she admitted. "I was 19 years old when my mother was murdered. I needed someone to take care of me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. Instead I was the one taking care of my father. But, he's sober now and has been for a long time."

"Do you think that's why you're reluctant to enter into a long-term relationship? That fear that you're not going to have someone taking care of you?"

"_You run and hide. You get into relationships with men that you don't love." _God, why was she hearing the Gospel According to Castle now? "Josh and I were more different than we were alike," she finally said.

"But, why do you want to be with someone who's exactly like you? Differences are what make most relationship work, Kate. If you're too much alike, it gets boring after a while."

"I suppose," she sighed.

"So, how'd you meet Richard Castle?"

She smiled as she remembered that first meeting. She remembered Castle's cockiness and good looks as he turned to face her, with a Sharpie in hand, thinking that she was another one of his groupies looking to get her boobs signed. "He was sort of forced on me."

"Like I said a little while ago, you're obviously fond of him."

"Everybody thinks that we're a couple." She remembered the words that FBI agent Jordan Shaw had said to her a year before. "_He cares about you, Kate. You may not see it, you may not be ready to, but he does." _

"What're you thinking about, Kate?"

"I don't know. Are we almost done for today?"

"Do you think of Castle in that way?"

"In what way?"

"Romantically."

"No," she said a little too quickly.

***CCC***

Ryan and Esposito were doing paperwork at their desk when they heard the elevator doors open at the end of the room. "Hey, Beckett!" Ryan exclaimed as he got up to go greet his boss.

"Hi, Kevin," she laughed as he embraced her.

"Hey bro, save a hug for me!" Javi reached for Kate, as he hugged her warmly. "So, when are you coming back?"

"I don't know. I haven't been cleared by the physical therapist, yet," her eyes stung when she looked over and saw Castle's empty chair.

"Have you talked to him?" Espo asked, noticing where her eyes had settled.

"No. Have you?"

"Yeah. The new captain kicked him out, but he's been following leads up from home. Ryan and I try to get together with him a couple of times a week at The Old Haunt. You should join us one night."

"Where is the new captain?" She asked as she looked toward Montgomery's old office. She could see an African-American woman in her late 40's/early 50's sitting at Roy's old desk. "I guess I should go and introduce myself."

"Beckett?" Javi called out as she turned around. "Don't be such a stranger. We miss you around here."

Capt. Victoria "Iron" Gates looked up when she heard a tentative knock on her door. "Come in!" She called out.

"Ma'am, I'm . . . "

"Unless my mother-in-law is in the room, you can call me Captain Gates or Sir," the woman instructed.

"Yes, sir," Kate didn't know why she felt like a first grader on her first day of school. "I'm Det. Kate Beckett. I stopped by to visit Ryan and Esposito, so I thought that I'd introduce myself."

"How are you coming along?"

"I'm not quite ready to return to work. My therapist thinks it'll be another six or eight weeks."

"I get the reports, detective. He seems to think that you're at about 75 or 80 percent. I don't want you back until you're at your best both physically and mentally."

"Yes, sir. I'm seeing the police psychologist."

"Good, see that you continue the good work. Was there anything else?"

"No, sir. I just wanted to introduce myself."

"I look forward to seeing you soon, Det. Beckett."

Kate was fuming when she re-entered the lobby and met up with her father. "How are the boys?" He asked as they walked to his car.

"They're okay. Dad, you haven't talked to Castle, have you?"

"No, you asked me not to contact him. Why? Have you had second thoughts?"

"No, I'm not ready to talk to him, yet. It's just strange seeing his chair up there without him in it. The boys told me that the new captain kicked him out of the precinct."

"They told me that she's by the book. She formerly worked in IA from what I understand."

'Great,' she thought. "IA cops are suspicious of other cops, by nature. So, it's understandable that she'd be suspicious of a civilian consultant."

"Kate, when you go back, I'm sure that you'll find a way to bring Castle back in. You two are good for each other."

She felt like asking her dad how he'd feel if he knew what Castle had said to her as she was bleeding out in his arms.

***CCC***

Castle bolted up in bed, wondering if he'd screamed out loud. He picked up his cell and looked at the time. It was 11:30. He'd only been asleep for an hour. The dream was a variation of the same dream that he'd been having for over a month now. The glint, Kate falling, the green grass turning crimson under her as he fought to keep her conscious her white dress gloves quickly soaking red with her blood. He wondered if either of the boys was awake. He tried Espo first. "Yo!" Espo's familiar voice came over the line. "What're you doing up so late, Castle?"

"Dreaming," Castle rubbed his eyes.

"That same nightmare about Beckett, again?" Javi asked.

"Yeah."

"She came by today for a few minutes. She wanted to introduce herself to the new captain."

"How'd she look? Was she okay?"

"Bro, do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you?"

"She looked that bad?"

"Her eyes, dude. She looks like she's being chased by ghosts. I know that you're pissed because she hasn't called you, but you know what? The cell phone tower runs both ways."

They talked for a few more minutes before ending the call. Castle got out of bed and went into the kitchen. Ice cream was a cure for everything in the Castle household. He was reaching for a carton when he heard soft footsteps behind him. He turned to find Alexis leaning against the bar. "Hi, pumpkin. I didn't mean to wake you up."

"Are you having bad dreams about Beckett again?"

"Yeah. I just talked to Espo. He said that she came by the precinct today."

"Is she okay?"

"He said that she didn't look too hot."

"Daddy, I know that you're worried about her. Swallow your pride and call her already."

"Now?"

"Why not? The worst that can happen is either she won't pick up or she'll hang up on you. Either way, at least you'll know."

Alexis planted a kiss on top of his head as she went back up to her room. Castle sighed, realizing that his daughter was right. The worst that could happen was that Kate could reject him. Maybe she had Dr. Motorcycle Boy up there with her. 'To hell with it,' he pulled out his cell and hit the number '3' on his speed dial.

***CCC***

Kate was sitting in the living room, her heart still pounding, and her ears aware of every sound that she heard outside of the cabin windows. Every shadow on the wall was a potential sniper looking at her through his scope. Maybe that was why she let out a shriek when her cell phone suddenly rang after midnight. She looked at the caller id. Castle? Why was Castle calling her at this time of the night? Was everything okay? Had something happened to her dad? "Hello?" She answered, her voice still tremulous from her nightmare.

"Did I wake you up?" Castle's familiar voice flooded through her veins like water after a long drought.

"No, I was awake. Is everything okay?"

"I've just been worried about you. Espo told me that you'd come to the precinct this afternoon."

"Yeah, I wanted to meet the new captain. Look Castle, I'm sorry that I haven't called. I can understand it if you're upset."

"I admit that I'm a little hurt. When you said that you needed time, I thought that you meant a few days, not months."

"Castle, could we have this conversation when we're both a little more alert?"

"When will that be, Beckett? In another month, maybe two?"

"Castle—"

"You're doing it again," he accused. "You realize that, don't you? You're running and hiding because that's your defense mechanism."

"My dad is bringing me into town on Thursday for my appointments. I also have an appointment with my cardiologist. Could we meet for coffee?"

"No offense, Kate. But I don't want to talk to you with your father around."

"I'll have him drop me off if you don't mind making a road trip after we talk."

"What time?"

"Four o'clock?" She suggested.

"Okay, where?" He asked.

"Can you meet me at the hospital? My cardiologist's appointment is at 2:45."

"I'll meet you in the lobby. I don't want to run into Josh."

"I'll see you then," she said as they ended the call.

As she tucked her knees up to her chest, she wondered if she should tell him that she remembered every detail of that awful afternoon. God, she could still recall the hurt in his voice as she talked to him. 'What have I done?' She sobbed in the dark.

**A/N: Ta-da! Castle is back! The next chapter, I'll start the beginning of what we all affectionately refer to as 'Caskett.'**

**A/N #2: I gave Kate the number '3' on Castle's speed-dial because I figured that Alexis and Martha would be numbers '1' and '2' respectively.**


	4. Chapter 4--He's Always Been There When Y

**Disclaimers: Hell, no! But, I'll keep dreaming.**

**Summary: Kate gives Castle the explanation regarding her radio silence. Castle begins to detect that there is something seriously wrong with his friend. Her sessions with Dr. Burke continue as revelations are made.**

**A/N: This chapter is going to go slightly AU from the actual episode 'Rise.'**

Chapter 4: He's Always There When You Need Him

_July 5, 2011_

"Are you sure that you're ready to talk to him?" Jim Beckett asked his daughter as they drove into the city on a scorching hot July day.

"He sounded so crushed when he called the other night. He accused me of running and hiding. Is that what I do?" She looked at her father.

Jim Beckett remembered going to see Castle days before Kate was shot. He begged him to get her to back off. _"Mr. Castle, she respects you and she cares for you as a friend. Please try to convince her that her life is worth more than her mother's death. Jo's death almost destroyed her once and I worry that it's happening again."_

"You tend to push back when people try to get too close. Sometimes I feel that part of that is my fault."

"How is it your fault?"

"I should've been there for you . . . after. I should've been there for you instead of diving into a bottle."

"I have to tell you something, but you can't breathe a word of it to anyone," she looked at him as he nodded. She sat there for several beats before she shook her head. "Never mind."

"Katie, you know that you can tell me anything? Is it about you and Castle?"

"There is no 'me and Castle.' I was so angry at him that night in the hangar when they killed Roy. I actually hated him for carrying me out of there."

"Roy betrayed you, Katie," Jim Beckett reminded her.

"I know, and he tried to make amends for it in the end. It takes a special kind of friend to give his life for you."

"You had two men who did that for you, Katie. Castle would've taken that bullet for you in the cemetery."

"I know."

***CCC***

"There's something that I need to tell you about the day of the shooting," Kate tucked her legs under her as she faced her therapist.

"And, just what would that be? Do you remember something?"

"The truth is that I lied when I said that I didn't remember anything."

"I see," he gazed at his patient quizzically, wondering just had brought this revelation on.

"Yeah, I remember everything. But, the thing that I remember most was looking into Castle's eyes as he told me that he loved me."

"How'd that make you feel?"

"You're not upset that I lied to you?"

"I'm not here to judge you, Kate. If you didn't want to admit that you remembered everything, you had your reasons. Those reasons probably had something to do with the fact that you weren't ready to relive that day. That's perfectly understandable. Now, let's talk about Castle's declaration. How'd that make you feel?"

"I wonder if he really meant it or he was just saying it to keep me from dying."

"That's something that you'd have to ask him. Have you spoken to him since your last visit?"

"He called me the night before last. I'm meeting him this afternoon."

"How do you feel about seeing him?"

"Anxious, nervous. We had an awful argument before the shooting. He accused me of running and hiding. He said the same thing the other night. He told me that running and hiding is my defense mechanism."

"So, you're afraid that he's going to bring up the argument?" She nodded. "Do you agree with what he told you?"

"I don't know. I never saw it that way, but in some ways he's right. My dad even told me that I have a tendency to push people away when they get too close. I even did it to Castle when he first came to me about my mother's case. I guess I think if I push them away first, then I can't get hurt."

"That's a very astute assessment."

"How do I stop doing that?"

"I can't answer that."

"Of course you can. You're a fucking psychologist! That's why the NYPD pays you the big bucks!"

"Kate, I'm not going to give you the answers to something that you already know the answer to. You're going to figure it out. You're just not there, yet."

***CCC***

Sitting on the examination table in a paper gown in her cardiologist's office later that afternoon, Kate felt cold and foolish. "Good afternoon, Ms. Beckett," her doctor greeted her cheerfully, closing the door behind him. "How have you been feeling?"

"Okay. I still can't run."

"Your PT says that you're up to half a mile on the treadmill. I know that half a mile is nothing to someone who's used to running long distances, but you're getting there. I want to schedule a stress test next week to see how your heart is functioning since the surgery. Can you come in next Friday?"

"Uh, I'm staying in the Adirondacks at my father's cabin. I make all of my appointments for either Tuesdays or Thursdays to make things easier for him."

"I'm sorry, but Friday is the only day that I have opened for a month. You understand that all of my reports go to your higher ups. The sooner that we can get you cleared the sooner that you can go back to work."

"Fine," she sighed. "I'll figure something out."

***CCC***

Downstairs in the lobby, Castle was pacing back and forth as he kept stealing furtive glances at his watch. He kept remembering what Esposito had told him two nights before. _"She looks haunted, dude. She looks like she's being chased by ghosts."_ He wasn't even sure what that meant, but he knew that he was going to find out soon.

He heard another set of elevator doors and started to smile when he saw Kate step out, a smile that vanished when he saw her. Now he knew exactly what Espo had been talking about. She was wearing a floral sundress that hung on her now far too-thin frame. Her eyes were huge in her too-pale face. He forced himself to smile when she walked toward him, flashing him that smile that filled his dreams.

"Wow, you look—"

"Awful, I know. You can admit it. I just got told by my doctor that I need to bring my weight up. It's funny," she said as they left the hospital into the heat of the day, "usually you're told to lose a few pounds."

"I hired a Town Car," he said as he led her down the street to where he'd left his driver parked. "Maybe I should take you to Remy's for a burger."

"Actually, that sounds great," she smiled as she fell into step beside him.

As they walked toward the car, Castle couldn't help but notice how nervous Kate seemed. Her eyes darted all around her as she tried to avoid the people that were walking by her, all seemingly in a huge hurry. It was just your typical New York afternoon, but it seemed to be slowly unnerving his companion. "Kate, are you okay?"

"Yeah," she gave him a smile as they reached the car. He opened the door for her as she slid into the rich interior and moved to the far side as she buckled her seat belt.

"Where to, Mr. Castle?" The driver turned to ask him.

"Remy's?" He turned to Kate as she nodded. "Remy's, Jerry."

"Is Jerry aware that he's taking a road trip this afternoon?"

"Yeah, he's got my full itinerary. They get paid to drive, Kate, not to ask questions."

When they reached Remy's, Castle led Kate inside to their usual table as he went to place their orders. "Why'd you call so late the other night?" She asked as he took his seat across from her.

"I wasn't going to, but Alexis told me that the worst that you could do was hang up on me."

"I'm sorry, Castle. I wanted to call, but I wasn't sure what to say."

"'Sorry that I haven't called' would've been a good start," he said somewhat bitterly.

"I've just been trying to focus on my recovery and things . . . well, let's just say things have been rough."

"Is Josh helping you over the rough spots?" He asked as he played with his paper napkin.

"No," she shook her head. "We broke up."

"So, you've been staying at the cabin alone?"

"Castle, I was alone before I broke up with Josh. He wasn't staying out there with me."

"So, what happened?"

"I really don't want to talk about it right now. How's your mother and Alexis?" She asked as she changed the subject.

"They're good. Alexis is looking forward to senior year," he grimaced.

"What's the matter, Castle? Are you starting to feel old?" She teased.

"It seems like yesterday that I was taking her to her first day of school and now, she's going to be graduating and going to college. Then, she'll be getting married to some asshole—"

"Uh, you do realize that this is Alexis that we're talking about?"

"I know. Sometimes I think I let my writer's imagination get the better of me."

After they ate, Castle led her across to the street to a small playground. "What're we doing here?" She asked as she strolled next to him.

"I used to love coming to the playground with Alexis when she was a little girl. Then when she got older sometimes I'd come by myself when I wanted to think. Swings can be very therapeutic," he grinned at her.

"What about merry-go-rounds?"

"Not so much. And don't even get me started on see-saws," he said as they walked over to the swings where they both sat down. "So, are you more relaxed at your father's cabin?"

"What do you mean?"

"Kate, I noticed how jumpy you seemed when we left the hospital. Is it too crowded or noisy for you?"

"Both," she admitted. "I love this city and I always have, but now it just feels like it's suffocating me. But, can I tell you a secret?" He nodded as she took a deep breath. "The cabin feels like it's suffocating me, too. I can't escape this feeling that sometimes I can't breathe. I keep imagining that someone is following me, but I know that no one's there."

"Have you talked to your doctor about this?"

"What am I supposed to say, Castle? That I'm seeing men with rifles who aren't there? He's going to think that I'm crazy."

"After what you've been through, it's understandable that you're seeing boogey men behind every bush and tree. You're not crazy, Kate."

"I just want to wake up in the middle of the night and have someone there to tell me that I'm going to be all right. That the fear and my heart pounding so hard means that I'm not going crazy."

"How often are you waking up?"

"Every night. And then, I can't go back to sleep for hours."

As he thought about it, he wondered if she'd accept what he was about to propose. After all, she'd stayed at the loft after her apartment had been blown up by his super fan. She got along great with his mother and Alexis. "Kate, would you consider staying at the loft?"

"Castle—"

"Hear me out. You shouldn't be staying alone, not if it doesn't really seem to be helping. Wasn't the purpose of going to your father's cabin so that you could recuperate?"

"Yes, but—"

"I can look at you and see that you're not sleeping," he looked at her. "If you're not sleeping, you're not getting better."

"Castle, it's not that I don't appreciate your concern, because I do. But, if I'm going to come back to the city, I'll go back to my own apartment. I'm just not ready for the hustle and bustle of the city, just yet."

"If you change your mind, the offer stands," he smiled at her. "If you won't take me up on my hospitality, will you at least stay in touch?"

"Yeah, I'll keep in touch," she smiled back. "We need to head back. Jerry has a long drive ahead of him."

Kate fell asleep with her head against the window on the drive back up to the cabin. Castle longed to take her hand in his and stroke her fingers as he watched her. Instead he settled for watching her sleep, hating to wake her when they arrived in the last small town before reaching the cabin. "Kate," he quietly called her name as she opened her eyes. "Jerry needs to know where he's going now."

Kate gave the driver instructions on how to reach the cabin as she looked around. "I must've been great company."

"It's okay. You needed the rest. It's nice up here," he commented as he watched the passing scenery. "How long has your father had the cabin?"

"He inherited it when I was a little girl," she smiled as she remembered. "The best part of my summer when I was growing up was when we'd come up here. My dad would fish and at night we'd roast marshmallows or hot dogs. My mom would make gallons of homemade lemonade."

"It sounds great," he grinned.

"It was. I don't come up as much since my mom . . . since her murder. My dad spends every Christmas up here and he comes up at other times when he needs to get away from it all."

"You don't come up here with him at Christmas?"

"No," she said in a tone that told him that he needed to drop the subject.

When they reached the cabin, Jerry parked the Town Car while Castle got out with Kate and walked her up to the front door. "Promise me that you'll call me if you need anything," he told her one last time.

"I will. Thanks for the ride, Castle," she smiled as she unlocked the door and opened it. "I'll be back on duty soon."

She stood in the opened front door, watching while Castle got back into the Town Car and Jerry backed out of the gravel drive before driving away. She stood there until she could no longer see the tail lights. It was only then that she walked into the cabin, closed and locked the door behind her.

Talking with Castle hadn't been nearly as awkward as she'd thought it would be. She was thankful that he hadn't mentioned anything about the day of the shooting. After all, she didn't want her lie blowing up in her face.

She thought about his offer of letting her stay in the loft. While it would've been nice to have someone there in the middle of the night when she woke up screaming, there were just too many people staying in that loft right now. For some reason that she couldn't quite understand, being around people made her uncomfortable these days. They were too loud, too busy; they were constantly bumping into her everywhere she went. Just the thought made her heart start pounding in her chest. "Maybe I'm losing my mind," she said out loud, her voice sounding unusually loud in the quiet cabin.

***CCC***

It was after 12 when Castle walked into the loft that night. Alexis was sitting on the sofa, reading. "Hi, dad," she greeted him when he walked over and kissed her. "Where've you been all day?"

"I had lunch with Beckett," he seemed pleased as Alexis watched him.

"How was it? Is she okay?"

"She's not doing real well, pumpkin," he sat beside his daughter. "What're you reading?"

"'The Count of Monte Cristo,'" she smiled at him. "So, how is Det. Beckett not doing well?"

"I think that she's having panic attacks. She doesn't look like she's slept well in weeks. She told me that bad dreams keep waking her up."

"Did you tell her that bad dreams wake you up, too?"

"Don't worry about me," he patted her hand affectionately.

"So, how's her boyfriend? That guy who shoved you at the hospital is her boyfriend, isn't her?" Her blue eyes flashed angrily as she remembered that day.

"He was. She said that they broke up," he got up and walked to the kitchen, where he opened the freezer and took out a carton of ice cream. "Ice cream?"

"No, thanks. I've already brushed my teeth," she said apologetically. "So, what're you going to do?"

"About what?" He asked as he scooped ice cream into a huge bowl and brought it over, returning to his seat beside his daughter.

"Daddy, does she make you happy?" Alexis asked him point blank as he turned to stare at her.

"Yeah, she does," he admitted.

"Then I think that you should go for it, as my generation is fond of saying," she got up and planted a kiss on his cheek. "I'm going to bed. I love you."

"I love you too, pumpkin. Sleep tight."

As he slowly ate his ice cream, he thought of what Alexis had just said to him. Maybe his brilliantly smart daughter was right. Maybe he should go for it. They'd shared a lot over three years. Serial killers, dirty bombs, almost freezing to death together, and a sexy night in L.A. that could've gone a lot farther than it did. He remembered telling her that night that she was hot, and she'd said that he wasn't so bad himself. He wondered if she was still awake.

He pulled out his cell and texted her. **'Enjoyed this afternoon. Can we do that again when you come back into town next week?'**

His phone chimed back seconds later. **'Not now, Castle.'**

There was something about the tone of the text that alarmed him. Something was . . . off. He hit her number on speed dial. "Castle, I said not now," Kate sounded breathless, like she'd been running for miles.

"Kate, what's going on? Come on, talk to me."

"It feels like the walls are closing in, Castle. I can't get my breath. I'm scared, Castle."

He tried to think. She was four hours away. "Kate, can you call your therapist? Tell him what you've told me. I'm coming to get you. You're not staying out there alone and I'm not taking no for an answer!"

He hung up and got up to grab his keys and jacket. He looked up to see Alexis on the stairs. "Dad, what's wrong?"

"I'm going to go get Beckett. She's having a bad panic attack. I'll be back early in the morning. Go back to bed."

As he left the loft, the young red-head wondered if having Det. Beckett here was really a good idea. She knew that her father loved Beckett, but did Beckett feel the same way about him? The thought of her dad being hurt sickened her, especially after the scene at the hospital with the boyfriend. She'd thought that her grandmother was going to claw his eyes out. Maybe she should have.

**A/N: I love writing fan fiction because you can make things out the way that you want them to be. This morning, I was watching 'Overkill' and wondering why Castle never just came right out and told Kate how he felt. Instead we had to suffer through Demmings, and Josh. I know. It wouldn't have been a great show if they'd hooked up in Season 2.**

**A/N #2: I don't know how far the cabin would be from New York City. I live in Texas where going to any major city involves a day trip, at least. Example: I live in San Antonio, which is three hours away from Houston, five hours away from Dallas, and eight hours away from Amarillo. **


	5. Chapter 5--You're Not the Only One in Pa

**Disclaimers: Sure, Mr. Marlowe and I are BFF's. NOT!**

**Summary: Castle to the rescue as he brings Kate to the loft while she continues to struggle with what she believes to be panic attacks, but which is actually something far worse. But Kate learns that she doesn't have the monopoly on pain when she learns that Castle is also suffering from nightmares from the day of her near-fatal shooting.**

Chapter 5: You're not the Only Person in Pain Here

_July 6, 2011_

"Kate, it's a panic attack," Dr. Burke's calm voice came over the line. "Get a glass of water and take some deep breaths. The breaths will calm you down."

"I can't get a deep breath," she sobbed as she spoke into the speaker.

"That's the panic trying to take over, Kate. Listen to me carefully. Take a deep breath. Just inhale," he instructed.

Kate finally managed to draw in a breath as Dr. Burke had instructed. After a few breaths, the tightness in her chest finally began to ease. "Okay, I'm a little better."

"Good. Was it your idea to call me?"

"No, Castle called. He knew that something was wrong. He told me to call you. He's also probably on his way here to spirit me away to his loft. I need to stop him."

"Kate, listen to me. Maybe you should take him up on his offer. Stay with him for a few days."

"But, the city—"

"—makes you nervous," he finished her sentence. "I know. Kate, if you want to return to full duty, you're going to have to face some of these fears. Coming back into the city is a good start. I'll see you on Tuesday."

Knowing that she wasn't going to win this argument, she hung up and went upstairs to throw a few things into a bag. She'd stayed at Castle's loft after her apartment had been blown up. She'd equated it to staying in a five-star hotel. She'd actually enjoyed staying there and interacting with Martha and Alexis, and watching Castle being a father, which was one of the things that she loved most about him. Loved? Had she actually thought that? If she allowed herself to fall in love with him, she'd ruin it. She'd ruin it just like she'd ruined it with Sorensen and Demming. Even with Josh. They'd gotten too close and she'd shoved them away. She didn't want to do that to Castle. He didn't deserve to be treated that way. He didn't, but the others did? Really, Kate? Stop thinking and get packed, she yelled at herself inside of her head.

It was after four in the morning when she heard a sports car pull up the gravel drive. He'd come up in his Ferrari? "Please don't tell me that you're not accepting my invitation," he said as he climbed out of the expensive car.

"Actually, Dr. Burke thinks that you're invitation is a good idea," she came down the steps and walked over to the passenger side door. "Nice car, Castle. Is there any chance that you'll let me drive it back to the city?"

"Kate, this is a Ferrari," he reminded her, as his face went pale.

"I'm aware of that, Castle." What was it about boys and their toys?

He got behind the wheel, effectively ending the conversation. Kate threw her bag into the backseat and got in before buckling her seatbelt. "I have a question," she looked over at him as he headed back toward the city.

"Which is?"

"Aren't you supposed to be in the Hamptons for your annual summer vacation?"

"Well, I was, but I'm having constant meetings with Black Pawn, so it's easier for right now to just stay in the city. However, Martha is already out there and Alexis will be leaving this weekend."

"So, what's going on at Black Pawn?"

"Same shit, different day," he grumbled good-naturedly. "So, are you okay now?"

"Yeah, thanks," she closed her eyes as she leaned her head against the back of the seat.

When she opened her eyes again, the sun was coming through the windshield. "Do you want to stop and get some breakfast before we get to the loft?" He asked.

"I am a little hungry," she admitted as her stomach grumbled as if to back her up, causing them both to laugh out loud.

"Then, let's stop and get some breakfast," he grinned.

He picked a small diner just outside of the city that appealed to both of them. To Castle, it looked like a cozy diner where everybody knew everybody, while to Kate, it didn't have the bustle of one of the New York City diners. He pulled into a parking space and killed the engine before they both walked inside. They sat at a corner table as a waitress came over with two coffee cups and a fresh pot of coffee, which they both accepted gratefully. She then placed two menus on the table and walked off. "You must be exhausted," she noticed as Castle yawned and rubbed his face wearily.

"I am," he rubbed his face once more before picking up the menu and perusing it. "Ooh, they have blueberry pancakes," his eyes lit up like a child on Christmas morning.

"I thought chocolate chip was your favorite," she bit her lip as she watched him.

"Kate, don't you understand that there is nothing that tastes better in the world than blueberry pancakes from a hole in the wall diner."

"Blueberry pancakes actually sounds pretty good to me, too."

They gave their order to the waitress when she came back over. "I'd imagine a place like this would be full," Castle said as he looked around at the near empty diner.

"I'm glad that it's not," she sighed as the waitress brought their pancakes over to the table.

"Crowds and noise are getting rough on you, aren't they?"

"It's hard to explain. I noticed it before I got released from the hospital. I'd be walking in the hall and it felt like people were getting too close. Somebody would drop something on the floor and I'd feel like I was going to jump out of my skin. I thought going out to the cabin would make it better. I thought that maybe I could relax."

"But, it didn't work?" He guessed as she shook her head.

"Castle, do you think he'll ever get caught?" She asked, not even having to tell him what it was that she was talking about.

"I hope so."

"Do you think that they know that I'm alive? The ones that killed Roy and my mother?"

"Kate, I won't let anything happen to you," he reached across the table and covered her hand with his own as she closed her fingers around it.

As he held her hand, there was no doubt in his mind that her attempted assassin knew that he'd failed at his job. The doctors had been unable to explain how it was that she'd survived a direct shot to her heart. They all said that it was nothing short of a bona fide miracle. And Castle was inclined to believe them.

***CCC***

The loft was quiet when Castle led her inside later that morning. "Please don't think that I'm being a horrible host, but I really need to crash for a few hours or I'm going to drop on my feet," he smiled at her. "Please make yourself at home. There's plenty of food in the fridge if you're hungry. The TV remotes are over there."

"Get some sleep, Castle. I'll be fine."

She was curled up on the end of the sofa reading a book from his study when the door opened and Alexis walked in. "Alexis, hi," Kate greeted the young woman. "Your dad went to sleep for a while. I hope that you don't mind me being here."

"Has he been all right?" Alexis asked as she put her purse on the bar and walked over to sit in an armchair.

"He's just tired. Why wouldn't he be okay?"

"He's been having awful nightmares. Some nights he cries out in his sleep."

"How long has this been going on?" Kate asked, her eyes mirroring her concern.

"Since you got shot. I know that you don't remember anything. Dad told me and gram that. But, can I tell you what I remember?" Alexis asked as Kate nodded. "When you went down, daddy was down there on the grass with you. At first . . . at first I thought that somehow he'd gotten hit, too. I thought that we were all going to die," Alexis' voice was thick with unshed tears. "But, when there weren't any more shots, everybody ran up to where you and my dad were in the grass. Gram and I tried to pull him away. He kept begging you to stay with him. When the ambulance got there, he begged Dr. Parish to let him go with you and her to the hospital."

"Alexis . . . "

"No, please let me finish," Alexis held her hand out. "When we got to the hospital, me and gram just grabbed him and he held onto us like he was never going to let us go. He had . . . your blood all over his suit. Then, the doctor came out and he shoved daddy into a wall. Det. Esposito told me later that he was your boyfriend."

"Alexis, I'm so sorry," Kate apologized as tears made twin trails down her face.

"He blamed my dad because you got shot! He blamed him like my dad was the one who was the one hiding behind that headstone with the rifle! I thought gram was going to rip him apart."

"Lanie told me about that," Kate smiled as Alexis couldn't help but smile back. "Maybe they should've turned Martha loose on him."

"The day that he went to see you, he came home and he looked so broken. Do the doctors think that you'll ever remember everything that happened?"

"They aren't sure. I'm sorry that you were so scared, Alexis."

"Can I ask you something?" Kate nodded. "Are you going to keep looking for answers even after they tried to kill you, too? Because, if you are, you're not thinking of me, my grandmother, or your father. If you keep looking into this, the next time they come for you, they're going to succeed. It'll kill my dad if something were to happen to you."

"I've thought of that, Alexis. Right now, I don't know. I swear to you, Alexis that I'll never let anything happen to your dad."

"I wish that I could believe that," Alexis said in a tight voice. "But, you weren't the one who witnessed what happened in the cemetery that day. My grandmother and I did."

With that, Alexis got up and went upstairs to her room, closing the door behind her. Kate wiped her eyes as she leaned back against the back of the sofa. It had never occurred to her how things must look through Alexis' eyes. She never knew until now how terrified the young girl must've been when she saw Kate crumple to the ground. Unlike Kate, who'd had both parents until she was 19, Rick had been basically all that Alexis had had for her entire life. Her mother flitted in and out of her life when the mood struck her. Not only had she almost cost Alexis her father, but she'd also almost cost Martha her only child, as well. "I thought that I heard Alexis," Castle said as he came out of his bedroom a short time later.

"Yeah, she went up to her room."

"Are you okay?" He asked as he went into the kitchen to make coffee. "Coffee will be ready in a few minutes."

"You didn't tell me that you were having nightmares," she got up and walked over to the counter where she took a seat on one of the bar stools.

"You didn't ask."

"I've been so selfish."

"Kate, what're you talking about?"

"I know that I was the one who was shot, but I never once stopped to think of how this has affected all of you. You're having nightmares, Alexis is scared to death that I'm going to get you killed—"

"Wait! Did she say that?" He asked, glancing up the stairs toward his daughter's bedroom.

"She didn't have to, Castle. It was written all over her face. I can't help thinking that she's almost the same age that I was when I lost my mother. If I were to be responsible—"

"Stop," he walked around the counter so that he was standing in front of her. "I'm your partner, remember? If you want to keep pursuing this, I'm with you every step of the way. If you want to drop it, then I'm with you on that front, too. But we do this _together._"

"Just promise that you won't turn all plucky sidekick on me?"

"Promise. So, do you think that I should talk to Alexis?"

"Honestly, I'm surprised that you haven't already discussed this with her."

"It just seems like one of those things that neither of us wants to discuss. Sometimes I feel like I've put that day away in a bank vault so that it never gets touched. It just seems easier to talk about lighter stuff. What we're going to do this summer, what courses she's going to take for senior year, stuff like that."

"So, are you driving her to the Hamptons this weekend?"

"No, I'm not," he went over to the refrigerator and peered inside. "She's going with one of her friends and Martha will be bringing her back at the end of the summer."

That meant it would be just her and Castle alone in the loft. One part of her was grateful, because she wouldn't have to deal with more people. But the other part of her worried about being alone with a man who'd proclaimed his undying love for her as she was bleeding to death in his arms. She found herself wondering if she should just admit that she'd lied about not remembering anything about that day. "You can't possibly be hungry, Castle," she commented as he kept staring into the refrigerator.

"Force of habit," he closed the door. "Have you called your dad and told him that you're here?"

"Oh, I guess that I should do that," she went to her purse and took her cell phone out of it. "Hi, dad. It's me. Listen, I don't want you to worry, but things got rough last night. Castle brought me into town and I'm going to be staying at his loft for a few days. No, I'll either go back to my apartment or I'll make arrangements to go back to the cabin. I'll call you either way. I don't know if I'll be here that long. I'll let you know. I love you. Bye."

"You don't know if you'll be here long enough for what?"

"He wanted to know if I still needed a ride to my appointments on Tuesday. I told him that I'd let him know."

"I'll be more than happy to take you to your appointments," he smiled at her.

"Would you consider letting me drive your Ferrari?"

"Kate, my Ferrari is nothing like driving your Crown Vic. It takes finesse and a certain—"

"Castle, I've driven a 400,000 dollar Lamborghini. I think that I'm more than capable of driving your Ferrari," she smiled sweetly.

"Why have I never heard this story?"

"Because you never asked."

"Was this during your wild child days?"

Kate continued smiling as she watched Castle squirm. She loved making him squirm. He was such a little boy sometimes.

That night, she, Castle, and Alexis had pizza while they talked about Alexis' plans for her summer at the beach. Kate was glad to see that the young woman's mood was much lighter than it had been that morning when they'd had their chat. "So, I take it that with that red hair, you burn easily?" Kate guessed as Alexis nodded.

"I have to use the highest SPF sunscreen on the planet. Once when I was five, I got so burned that I had to go to the hospital."

"Her skin was the same shade as her hair, actually I think that it was a shade or two darker," Castle remembered with a shudder.

"I bet that you don't burn like that," Alexis noted.

"Actually, I don't. Luckily for me, I inherited my mother's propensity to tan rather than my father's to burn to a crisp," Kate smiled.

At about that time, Alexis' cell phone rang, so she got up to answer it. "You ought to come out for a weekend," Castle looked at Kate. "I know that I made that offer a while ago, but it still stands. No strings. You can come out and lay by the pool or walk on the beach. There's plenty of room."

Kate remembered all too well the last time Castle had invited her to his house in the Hamptons. She referred to it as 'The Summer of Gina.' She was about to take him up on his invitation when she learned that his ex was going with him instead. It had taken her a long time to get over her hurt and rejection. "I'll think about it," she finally said as Alexis came back out to rejoin them.

"That was Lacey. She wants to know if I can spend the night at her house, so that we can leave a little earlier in the morning. I won't go if you want me to stay with you," she quickly added.

"You go and have a good time," he smiled affectionately at his daughter. "But, you call if you need anything. I don't care what time it is."

"I will," Alexis hugged her father. "She'll be here in a few minutes. I need to go and get my things."

"She's a wonderful young woman, Castle. You've done a great job with her," Kate told him.

"Actually, I think she did a great job with _me._ She forced me to grow up," he laughed at Kate's arched eyebrow. "Okay, so I'm still a big kid, but she forced me to rethink my priorities. I learned pretty damn quick that it wasn't all about me, anymore."

He jumped up when Alexis came out of her room lugging a huge rolling suitcase behind her. He went up and grabbed it from her as she smiled up at him gratefully. "Will you at least try to come up for a few days?" She begged her father.

"I'll try, but Gina and Paula are calling me every other day for something or other. I'll try to get up there before Labor Day. Have fun, be safe and kiss your grandmother for me. Tell her that I'll talk to her tomorrow."

"Bye, daddy. Bye, Det. Beckett."

"Bye, Alexis," Kate called back. "Are you behind on your deadline again?" She asked after Castle had closed and locked the door behind Alexis.

"No, we're renegotiating my contract."

"Oh," she said, watching while he picked up the empty pizza box and took it to the kitchen.

"It's SOP. Don't worry about it."

The sudden silence hung heavily in the air between them before Kate finally dissolved it. "I'm really tired, Castle. I think that I'm going to up to bed."

"Okay. Holler if you need anything."

"I will. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Kate."

Castle was writing in his office almost two hours later when a piercing shriek almost caused him to knock his computer off of his legs. It took him a minute to realize what it was that he was hearing, when he heard the same sound again. "Kate!" He called out as he hurriedly placed his laptop on his desk and took the stairs two at a time to the guest bedroom, where he found his houseguest tossing and turning in the tangled sheets as she kept crying out incoherently. "Kate, wake up," he sat on the edge of the bed and tentatively touched her shoulder.

The punch that she delivered to his shoulder took him completely by surprise. "Stop him, Castle!" She was crying out. "Put me down! Let me go back in there! Don't let them kill him! Castle, stop!"

He knew that she was dreaming about Montgomery's murder in that dark hangar. He dreamed about that, too, but not as much as he dreamed about the cemetery and the sight of her in the green grass that quickly turned red under her. "Kate, you're dreaming. Wake up. You're okay. You're safe."

She was about to swing at him again when he managed to deflect the blow, which finally woke her up. "Castle?" She stared at him in confusion.

"You were dreaming. I came up here because I heard you scream."

"I was so mad at you that night," she remembered, while he again didn't have to ask her what night she was talking about. There was no need to ask. "I actually hated you."

"I know. And I don't blame you."

"Carrying me out of there didn't matter, Castle," she began sobbing. "It didn't matter because they're going to kill me anyway! They're going to just keep coming until I'm dead and there's not anything that you or anybody else can do to stop them! We can kill the guy who shot me in the cemetery, but they'll just send somebody else. Sometimes I think that it's never going to end. There's always going to be another soldier."

Sitting beside her bed and holding her hand, Castle's heart was aching for the pain that Kate was in. But, there was a part of him that wondered if she was right. Three different men had taken a part in this conspiracy. Two of them were now dead. One of them at her hand and one of them the dying act of Capt. Roy Montgomery. There was still one more man out there. A man with no name, who according to Ryan and Esposito was a ghost. While Castle believed in ghosts, he knew that his partner didn't. She'd keep hunting until she uncovered the third man. And, he knew that when she did, there was going to be more bloodshed. He just didn't know whose blood it was going to be.

**A/N: The next chapter will be the last one dealing with the aftermath of 'Rise.' After that, I'm going to move onto 'Kill Shot.' In the next chapter, Kate's going to tell Castle why she broke up with Josh and she's going to tell him about her wall.**


	6. Chapter 6--Invisible Walls

**Disclaimers: While I own many things, unfortunately 'Castle' isn't among them. I don't even own them on DVD, yet. **

**Summary: Kate talks to Castle about her wall as well as the reasons behind her breakup with Josh as she has another session with Dr. Burke.**

Chapter 6: Invisible Walls

_July 13, 2011_

"So, have you gone home to your apartment?" Dr. Burke asked, looking across the room at his patient on a rainy July afternoon.

"Yeah, a few days ago."

"How has it been?"

"Stressful," she bit her lip. "I've been trying to go out more as you suggested during my last visit, but I'm still so nervous."

"Kate, it's going to take time. What about the nightmares? Are you still having them every night?"

"Yeah," she tucked her legs under her.

"Are they the same ones that have been plaguing you since the shooting?"

"Pretty much."

"Have you talked to Castle since you left his apartment?"

"I talk to him every day. Why?"

"Does he still believe that you have no memory of the day that you were shot?"

"I can't tell him that I remember everything. Not after I lied to him."

"Kate, I'm sure that he'll understand that you were confused. You thought that you were dying and so did he. I don't think that you're giving him half of the credit that he deserves."

"I've given him nightmares, too."

"What do you mean that you've given him nightmares?"

She didn't answer right away; instead she let her thoughts drift back to a night a week before.

_She'd been sound asleep in the upstairs guestroom when she thought that she heard someone calling her name. She sat up in bed to listen and then she heard it again. Only this time it sounded more like a guttural cry. She got up and pulled on her robe before making her way downstairs. That was when she realized that the sound was coming from Castle's bedroom. She took a deep breath as she walked through his office to his opened bedroom door. _

_She stood in the doorway, watching her partner through tear-filled eyes as he tossed and turned, his body sweat-soaked and the sheets tangled around him. "Kate," he moaned as his hands twisted in the sheets. "Don't you die on me. Stay with me. Kate!"_

"_Castle," she whispered his name as she walked over to his bed. "Castle, it's me. Wake up."_

_She reached out and lightly touched his shoulder as his eyes flew opened. "Kate?"_

"_You were dreaming."_

"_Yeah, that happens a lot," he sat up. "I didn't mean to wake you up."_

"_Why? I've been waking you up several times a night for the past three nights," she smiled as she started to leave his room._

"_Kate?" She turned to look at him. "Stay with me?"_

_It was oh so tempting. But she knew where it would lead if she got into bed beside him. If she took that step, she'd only hurt him like she'd hurt the others. "I can't, Castle," she whispered as she quietly left the room and returned to the guestroom._

"I left the next morning," she said after she told Dr. Burke about that night.

"Left or ran away?"

"I didn't run. I told Castle that I was leaving. I told him that I needed to go back to my own place. Staying at the loft was only supposed to be for a few days, anyway."

"Have you done this in every relationship that you've ever been in?"

"Done what?" She asked innocently.

"Kate, you said that Castle accused you of running and hiding. You've told me yourself that when you feel that the man that you're seeing is getting too close, you do something to push him away. And, I'm asking you if you've always done this?"

"You mean have I done it from the first guy that I was ever with?"

"Exactly."

"No, I used to be a typical girl who'd gravitate toward the guy that my parents hated."

"What type did they hate?"

"Oh, you know," she smiled. "The bad boy type. I bought a motorcycle when I was 17. My father threatened to send me to a nunnery."

"So, you bought the bike to attract boys?" Dr. Burke was amused. He'd never imagined that side of this young woman who was sitting in his office trying to reclaim her life.

"It worked. And, it drove my parents' nuts."

"So, did you shove those early guys away when you felt them getting too close?"

"No, I usually broke up when I realized that they weren't what I was looking for."

"When did you notice that changing?"

"Are we really going to sit here and talk about my love life?"

"I have a reason for everything that I ask, Kate. You should know that by now."

"The first serious relationship that I was in was about a year after my mom died. It was great for about six or seven months, and then I started to feel like I was drowning in quicksand."

"Was that before you went into therapy?" He asked as she nodded.

"Yeah, I'd transferred to NYU and was trying to graduate. I'd applied to the police academy. He wasn't thrilled. It was like he didn't even want to understand my reasons. So, I figured that if he didn't care about us, then why should I?"

"Let's move forward," Kate glanced at the doctor. "Tell me about Josh. How did you two meet?"

"Last summer I was biking around and I stopped at this diner and . . . there he was."

"Did you start dating right away?"

"We exchanged phone numbers and talked a few times before we actually went out. I liked him. I still do. I kept hearing my mom's voice telling me that I could do a lot worse than dating a doctor," she smiled.

"So, things were going well between you?"

"Things were going really well," she agreed.

"But?"

"Being a doctor and working the long hours that he did, I thought that he'd understand the stress of my job better than he did."

"Are you sure that's all that happened?"

"No," she looked down at her hands. "He didn't understand my relationship with Castle. He had trouble understanding how someone who isn't even a cop could be my partner. I learned from a friend that the day that I got shot, Josh came out of the operating room and physically attacked Rick. He shoved him into a wall and tried to punch him in front of his mother and daughter. As soon as I learned that, I knew that I had to end it. I won't choose between my boyfriend and my partner."

Dr. Burke couldn't help noticing that Kate had referred to Castle as 'Rick.' Ordinarily, he was always 'Castle.' "Did you ask him about it?"

"The night that we broke up. He told me that it was Castle's fault that I'd gotten shot. That if he hadn't forced me to look into my mother's murder, nothing would've happened. Castle never 'forced' me to do anything."

"Do you think that you would've re-examined your mother's case if it hadn't been for Castle? After all, you told me that you were angry when he first approached you about it."

"Probably not. By the time that I met Castle, I'd learned to compartmentalize that part of my life. I wasn't happy, but it took me a year of therapy to learn that I had to let it go and move on with my life the best that I could."

"But you didn't really let go, did you, Kate?"

"No. When you're the family member of a murder victim, you never let it go. Especially when the case goes cold. There wasn't a Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday, or the anniversary of her death when I didn't wish that there was something that I could've done to give me and my dad some peace."

"And, then along comes Richard Castle, who starts poking his nose where it clearly didn't belong."

"At first I think that he was curious. That to him it was all a big joke. I can't explain it any better than that. He wanted to know too much about me, so he thought he'd dig into my mother's case. When he saw how hurt that I was, it gave him pause for reflection. When he apologized to me, I could tell that he was truly sorry."

"You told me that you shot her killer in your precinct. At that time, you got angry when I asked you how it made you feel. So, I'm re-asking the question. How did killing him make you feel?"

"Dissatisfied," she admitted. "I wanted him to tell me who hired him, but he died without telling me anything. So, because he couldn't or wouldn't tell me who's behind all of this, another good man is dead and I almost died."

Dr. Burke was going to say more, but the timer went off on his desk. "It looks like we're done for the day. So, I'll see you next Tuesday."

When Kate stepped out into the wet day, she checked her phone and saw that there was a text from Castle. **'Meet me at the park across from my loft. It's time for some swing therapy.'**

She smiled as she sent a reply. **'The swings are going to be wet. I don't feel like getting my butt wet.'**

'**So I'll bring a towel.'**

'**Ok. Meet u there in 30.'**

She smiled when she got to the park and walked across the wet grounds toward the swings where Castle was already waiting. "How'd you know that I was in need of playground therapy?" She smiled when she reached the swings.

"I've noticed that you always seem a little . . . _down_ after you see your therapist."

"I only have a little time and then I have to go to PT to see if I can knock Roger on his ass today."

"How's that going, by the way?"

"Better. I feel like my stamina is coming back."

"You never did tell me what the results of your stress test were."

"The cardiologist said there's some residual damage, but he said it might not cause me any major problems for another 15 or 20 years. But, it could be worse," she looked at him as he nodded. "Castle . . . Rick, I'm okay."

"How about if I take you to your physical therapy session and then I can buy you dinner afterwards? We could get something from Huan's," he suggested as she smiled. He certainly knew the way to her heart. Chinese was her favorite.

"Only if you promise not to hog all of the Szechuan beef this time, Castle."

"You've got a deal."

***CCC***

They walked into Castle's loft two hours later, laughing as Castle carried two bags of Chinese takeout over to the counter before he opened it and removed the contents. "Wine?" He asked as he walked over to the refrigerator.

"I would _love _a glass of wine," she sighed as he removed a bottle from the refrigerator and took out two glasses. "This is the first glass of wine I've had in two months," she revealed as she gave a contented sigh.

"Because of the medications?" He guessed as she nodded.

"I took the last of the antibiotics last week. But, for the next six months I have to take them whenever I go to the dentist to prevent Bacterial Endocarditis."

"What happens if you get that?"

"According to my cardiologist, I don't want to know," she said as he pushed the containers in front of her as she scooped food onto a plate.

"Can I ask you a question?" He asked as he began digging in with his chopsticks.

"Sure."

"It's about you and Josh. Why'd you break up? It sounds like he left you when you really needed him the most. It just sounds a little . . . selfish if you ask me. I'm sorry," he shook his head.

"No, don't be. Josh and I started going downhill after the whole dirty bomb/being stuck in the freezer thing. Remember when we talked and I told you that I wanted somebody who'd be there for me and I could be there for him?" She reminded him as he nodded. "He just never seemed to be there. I mean, he was there when I needed him the most when I got shot. I had everybody coming in to tell me that if he hadn't initially been there . . . yada yada yada. But, then he threw it in my face like I was supposed to be walking around and kissing the ground at his feet. Then Lanie let it slip that he attacked you—"

"Kate—"

"No, please let me finish. Alexis told me about it, too. It was bad enough that he physically attacked you, Rick, but he did it in front of your mother and daughter, who'd already been traumatized by seeing what had happened to me. He was so _jealous _of you and he didn't have a reason to be. The last time I saw him he kept acting like he was there for a consultation. 'You shouldn't be climbing stairs, you need to remember to rub cocoa butter into your scars.' Crap like that. I needed a boyfriend that weekend, not a damn doctor. I just needed for someone to hold me and tell me that I'm still beautiful despite these hideous scars on my body."

As he listened to her, Rick so wanted to go over and take her into his arms, to repeat those words that he'd desperately said to her that morning in the cemetery as he watched her pain-filled eyes struggle to stay alert, to stay with him. He wanted to be the one to tell her that she was still the most beautiful, desirable woman that he'd ever seen, scars and all. But, he also knew that the time wasn't right. He couldn't force her to remember a day that she'd probably mercifully blocked out. Maybe one day she'd remember and then he could tell her everything that he'd told her that day. Maybe then he could take her into his bedroom, hold her and make love to her as he longed to do. But not yet.

***CCC***

"So, what're we talking about today?" Dr. Burke asked at the beginning of her Tuesday appointment.

"I'm wondering if I should tell Castle the truth."

"The truth about the day of the shooting?" He confirmed as she nodded. "How do you think he's going to take it if you tell him the truth?"

"He's going to be hurt. I've hurt him so many times already. I'm not sure I can hurt him again."

"Before you consider telling him the truth, there's one key question that you need to ask yourself, Kate. You already know that he loves you. But, how do you feel about him?"

"I'm not sure. He's probably the best friend that I've ever had. I know that I can tell him anything and he feels the same about me. I don't know if I love him."

"I think you're wrong about that."

"I should know if I'm in love with the guy," she argued back angrily.

"And, the Nile is a river in Egypt," he quipped as she rolled her eyes.

After she walked out of Dr. Burke's office, she pulled out her cell and texted Castle. **'Bad therapy session. In need of playground therapy. Can u meet me in 30?'**

Her phone buzzed as Castle's reply came. **'Will meet u at r regular spot. I'll b the guy with the ice cream.'**

She smirked before sending her message. **'Castle, u almost sound like a perv.'**

When she reached the park, she saw Castle sitting on the swings holding two ice cream cones. "How long have you been holding these?" She asked, sitting in her swing as he handed her a cone.

"Just a few minutes. I tried to time buying them with your arrival. Ice cream makes everything better."

"So does vodka," she made a face as she began eating her cone, smiling as the cold treat began to do the trick.

"So, your therapist was annoying today?" He guessed.

"Do you remember when you said that I use my running and hiding as a defense mechanism?" She reminded him as he nodded. "When my mom died, I made a decision that I was never going to let anything or anybody hurt me again. So, it's like I've built this wall around me. Like a fortress, you could say. Until I'm able to tear that wall down, I'm never going to be able to be in the kind of relationship that I want to have."

"Which is?"

"I want to be with somebody who I can love unconditionally and who will love me that way in return. I have to fix myself first."

"Admitting the problem is the first key to fixing it," he told her.

"I know. It's like when my father finally admitted that he had a problem with alcohol and went into rehab for me. I need to get to my PT appointment. Thanks for the ice cream," she smiled as she got up and walked away.

Castle sat on the swings watching as Kate walked across the park and caught a taxi. He knew that he could love her unconditionally. He just hoped that someday she'd feel the same way about him.

**A/N: The next two or so chapters are going to deal with 'Kill Shot,' which is my second favorite Season 4 episode after 'Always.' Stana Katic and Jon Huertas were both so awesome in that episode. It was different seeing vulnerable Kate when she'd always been so tough and strong previously. **


	7. Chapter 7--Private Torment

**Disclaimers: 'Castle' is the property of the brilliant Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC. I'm making nothing off of this little tale of mine.**

**Summary: Everybody worries that Kate is once again going down the rabbit hole as she struggles with something that she thinks none of her friends will understand. She has no idea of how wrong she is.**

**A/N #1: I'm using late November as the setting for the next two chapters, coinciding with the original airdate of 'Kill Shot.'**

**A/N #2: I've read a few post-Kill Shot stories which have Rick following Kate when she has the meltdown in the office building. As much as I'm sure he would've longed to follow her, I don't believe that he would have, for two reasons. 1) He knows what a private person Kate is and he wouldn't want to feel that he was intruding on her torment; 2) I think that if he had followed her, Kate would've shoved him away. **

**Remember that at this point in time, Kate thought that she could still do it all herself. **

**A/N #3: This chapter is going to feature more of Det. Javier Esposito. The scene between Kate and Javi in the property room was my favorite scene of the whole episode. I think it was wonderful of Javi to show Kate that he understood without him babying her. **

Chapter 7: Private Torment

_November 22, 2011_

Kate Beckett's team knew that something was seriously wrong with their boss. Her eyes had once again acquired the haunted look that she'd had the previous summer following her shooting. The look that she was once again being chased by ghosts, as Javi had reported to Castle.

Watching her, Castle tried to remember when that look had returned to her face. It had started a day earlier. They had been called to investigate the death of a young woman who'd been shot randomly in the middle of the morning. He could still remember what Kate had been wearing that day. A white shirt and a cranberry colored blazer, her dark hair pulled back into a bun. They'd been laughing and joking with each other as they approached the body, just like dozens of times before. She'd told him that she was going to be going to see some guy named Roger about something called resistance band training.

"_It sounds like a form of bondage," he made a face._

"_Castle, does everything have a sexual connotation to you?"_

"_I'm a man, so yeah, pretty much."_

"_I'm still trying to get my upper body strength back following my shooting. Roger's my physical therapist."_

"_So, you're still having some problems with that?" He asked, trying to mask his concern._

"_Yeah. It's okay, Castle. My doctor told me that it could take 18 months, maybe longer, for my body to bounce completely back."_

The changes had subtly started after they'd visited Lanie in the morgue. As Castle, and Kate, listened to Espo's and Lanie's explanation about how bullet that had shot and killed Sarah Vasquez had come from a sniper's bullet Kate could feel all three of her friends' eyes on her, wondering how she was going to take the news.

"_Guys, it's okay. I'm not going to crumble to the floor screaming. I'm tougher than I look. Let's catch the son of a bitch, okay?"_

_With that, she turned and quickly left the morgue, leaving Castle and Espo to look to Lanie for answers. "You heard the girl. She's tougher than she looks. I'll let you know if I find anything else," Lanie said dismissively as Castle and Espo walked out._

"_Do you believe that she's okay?" Castle asked Esposito as they got on the elevator._

"_I don't know, bro. Do you remember how she froze when she came back on duty?" Espo reminded Castle as he nodded. "We'll watch her. She knows that we have her back."_

***CCC***

Castle was cooking breakfast for Alexis and Martha. He was trying to keep everything light and upbeat, unwilling to discuss the case with either of the two redheads in his life. "Daddy, do you think that it'll happen again?" Alexis asked over her scrambled eggs. "Do you think that the sniper will strike again?"

"I don't know, pumpkin. I certainly hope not. I don't want you to worry," he smiled. "I want you to go to school and do whatever it is that seniors do these days."

She was about to say something when Castle's cell phone rang. Her eyes focused on her father when he looked at the caller id, unable to escape the sigh that escaped his lips. "Det. Beckett?" She asked when he simply nodded.

"Sweetheart, maybe it's something nice and grisly," his mother tried to assure him as only Martha ever could.

"Maybe you're right, mother," he smiled as he hit the 'answer' button. "Castle."

"Castle, we've got another one," Kate's voice came over the line.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. It's the same M.O.," she gave him the address. "I'll meet you there."

As he hung up, Castle couldn't get over how tired Beckett had sounded, how _defeated. _He wondered if she was okay.

"Another one, Richard?" Martha asked when Rick got off of the phone.

"Yeah," he sighed. "I want you two to be very careful today, okay?"

"We will, Richard," his mother assured him.

"I will, daddy," Alexis came across the counter to hug and kiss her father. He couldn't resist holding her just a little tighter as she embraced him.

***CCC***

One look at her upon his arrival at the crime scene confirmed his worst nightmares. Taking one look at his partner told him that Kate definitely _wasn't _all right. Everything about her was different this morning. Gone were the bright, cheerful fall colors she'd been wearing the day before. Today she was dressed completely in dark colors. Her eyes now looked haunted and terrified, the same look that he'd seen when he'd first seen her this past summer.

As they walked toward the body, Castle noticed how jumpy she was. Her eyes were scanning everywhere, up, down, and sideways. "Kate? Do you see something?"

"No, I'm just looking."

"Yo, Beckett!" They saw Espo motioning them over.

They were talking to Espo when a squad car pulled up at the curb, giving a quick blast of its siren. The guys and Lanie were shocked when Kate immediately dove for cover. They didn't say anything as she looked up at them, embarrassment clearly written all over her face. She didn't say anything, but instead took the hand that Espo offered while he helped her to her feet.

"What in the hell was that?" Lanie asked after Kate had walked off to talk to Ryan.

Castle just looked at Esposito, who had a look in his eyes that the mystery writer had never seen before. In the four years that Castle had known the two detectives, he'd learned that while Esposito was fond of giving Beckett a hard time, there was also more of the brother/sister relationship between them. He was always the first to back her up and vice versa. "Espo?" Castle called out as the detective finally looked at him.

"Come on, we've got work to do," he said as he went back to the task at hand.

As he followed behind Espo, Castle caught Lanie's eye and saw the concern that all of them were feeling toward their friend. Lanie had been to hundreds of crime scenes with Beckett and had never seen her react the way she just had moments earlier. The Beckett that she'd always known was take no prisoners and tough as nails. That woman she'd just seen diving for cover was not the confident woman she'd known for so long.

***CCC***

Kate had never walked out of the bullpen in the middle of a case before. But, the feeling that she was suffocating became overwhelming. She knew that if she didn't get out of there, she was going to blow up into a million pieces. She hit the number on her speed dial as she took the stairs two at a time. "I'm dying! I need to see you now!" She shouted into the phone.

"Can you be here in 10 minutes?"

"I'll be there," she ended the call and went outside to hail a cab. Right now she didn't trust herself to drive.

She arrived at the brownstone office building eight minutes later. His office door was already opened when she walked in. "Kate, come on in," she heard the familiar voice of her psychologist calling out to her. "You sounded frazzled on the phone. What's going on?"

"I can't breathe," she sat down and put her head between her knees.

Of course like every other person living in New York City, Dr. Burke had heard about the shooting the day before. After learning that it was a suspected sniper, he had an idea of how it was going to affect his patient. For a while now, he'd had a feeling that Kate's problems weren't due to panic attacks, but to PTSD. She was showing all of the classic symptoms and she wasn't the first police officer that he'd treated for it. "I had a feeling that yesterday's shooting might have an effect on you."

"There was another shooting this morning," she said, with her head still between her knees.

"I'm sorry, Kate. I didn't know that. Another woman?"

"No, it was a man this time. But, everything else is the same. I was there this morning and everything was so _loud_, just like it was last summer. I was afraid that he was up there watching us. I could hear his footsteps behind us. I just want to know that I'm okay," she got up as she began walking around the room.

"Kate, the panic attacks, the hyper-vigilance, the nightmares are all pointing to the same thing. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

"I don't have PTSD," she argued as she continued walking. "I'm not a soldier returning from combat. I'm a police officer!"

"You were also shot six months ago," he reminded her.

"Can't you just give me a pill or something to help me through this?"

"Drugs can help, but they aren't the answer. Kate, you're not the only cop in this city. Maybe you should consider taking a step back."

"I can't step away from this," she argued.

"Does finding him have anything to do with the fact that no progress was ever made on your case?"

"No! It has to do with the fact that people are dying!"

"Kate, I think that this case has brought forth issues that you haven't dealt with yet regarding your own shooting," he pointed out.

"Look, right now I can't afford to sit down and get weepy over a couple of scars. I thought that you were supposed to be helping me!"

"I'm trying to help you, Kate," he said in his usual quiet, gentle voice. "There aren't any drugs that I can prescribe to you because I can't write prescriptions. There aren't any magic words that I can tell you because you still can't come to terms with what happened to you in that cemetery. I've given you my advice. You can either take it or not."

"Then you know what? I'm fine," she said stubbornly as she got up and left his office.

She walked out of the office building in a fury, quickly walking to the curb to hail a taxi. How dare Burke sit there and tell her that she has PTSD! She hadn't just come back from three tours of duty in Iraq or Afghanistan. She was a New York City homicide detective with a sniper to hunt down. All she'd wanted was something to make the nightmares and the flashbacks go away. Just one night she wanted to go to sleep and not be awoken with memories of that day in the cemetery. Maybe her regular doctor could give her something.

Stepping off of the elevator back at the precinct, she desperately tried to avoid the other officers who were hurrying all around her. She spotted Castle across the room. She knew that he was watching her, just like the rest of her team was watching her. She knew what they were all thinking. That she was about to fall down the rabbit hole again.

"Are you okay?" Castle asked when she returned to her desk.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Where'd you go?"

"Nowhere," she mumbled. "I just needed some air."

She turned and headed for the ladies room, not looking back toward her desk. "Is she okay?" Castle turned to Kevin Ryan, who was standing at his side. "Did she say why she left like that?"

"She just said that she needed some air."

"In the middle of a case? We hadn't even added the information to the murder board, yet. She's never done that before."

"I guess there's a first time for everything," Castle turned to face the Irishman.

Espo was out chasing down a lead, but Castle knew that he wanted to talk to him when he came back. He remembered the look that he'd seen on the detectives' face when they'd seen Kate dive for cover at the previous crime scene. The look that said he understood what it was that she was going through.

He jumped when the phone on Kate's desk rang. After letting it ring a couple of times, he reached over and picked it up. "Det. Beckett's desk," Castle answered.

"Castle, is Beckett up there?" Lanie's familiar voice came over the line.

"No, she's away from her desk."

"Can you send her down here when she gets back?"

"Do you have something?"

"It's not murder victim related, Writer-Boy. It's a girl thing."

"She won't talk to you, Lanie."

"Espo texted me that she actually walked out of the bull pen. Believe me, she'll talk to me or I'm going to be smacking her."

"I'll tell her that you called, Lanie," Castle said when he saw Kate walking back toward the desk. "Lanie just called. She needs you down in the morgue."

"Okay, let's go," she turned toward the elevator.

"She didn't ask for us. She asked for you."

"I'll be back in a few minutes, then."

Kate bit back an irritated sigh as she stood outside the double doors of the morgue. "Girl, you'd better get your skinny ass in here before I smack you into next week," Lanie called out when she noticed her friend stalling outside of the doors.

"Lanie, do you have anything? Because if not, I have a sniper out there shooting people from rooftops."

"Kate, we've known each other a long time. I've seen veteran cops puke and pass out at crime scenes. I've never seen you so much as flinch. But, this morning you went for cover like someone was shooting at you. What gives?"

"Nothing, Lanie. I was jumpy and when that siren went off inches from my head, I reacted."

"Uh-huh. Is that why you walked out of the bullpen a while ago?"

"Who have you been talking to? Castle? No, let me guess. Esposito. You know what? I just want all of you to leave me alone!"

She turned around and stormed out of the morgue. Lanie took out her cell and quickly texted Castle. **'B-ware. Beckett's heading ur way and she's pissed.'**

Castle had enough time to quickly glance at his phone before he spotted Espo coming off of the elevator with a potential suspect. "Espo, you got a second?"

"Take him to one," he told one the uniforms. "What's up?"

"Can we meet tonight at The Old Haunt?" He lowered his voice as he kept his eyes peeled for Beckett.

"Beckett?" Espo asked as Castle nodded. "Yeah, I'll meet you there at six."

"Sounds good," he finished the conversation just as the elevators opened and Beckett stepped off.

***CCC***

Javi walked into The Old Haunt at six on the dot. Castle brought over a couple of beers as well as shots of Jack Daniels before sitting across from him in one of the booths. "I never took you for a shots kind of guy, Castle," Javi said as he quickly downed the shot and followed it with the beer chaser.

"I'm worried about Beckett," he said without preamble as he drank his own shot of whiskey and followed it with a long swallow of beer. "What happened to her this morning? First at the crime scene and then when she left the bullpen for an hour without explanation."

"When I got back from Afghanistan, I thought that I was cool," Javi said as Castle signaled the bartender to bring them another round. "And I stayed cool for about six months. By that time, I was in the academy. We were at the range one day and I just froze. I had to fucking force myself to shoot a damn paper target. And then the nightmares started. And little things started freaking me out. The last straw was when I went with my sister and her kids to watch Fourth of July fireworks. Every time the damn fireworks exploded overhead I had to fight the urge to duck for cover. I went to the VA and told the doc that I was going crazy. He told me that I wasn't going crazy. That he'd seen literally thousands of guys just like me since the damn war started."

"PTSD?" Castle guessed as Espo nodded. "How do you cure something like that?"

"Bro, you can't cure it. He taught me ways to control it. I don't know if Beckett's seeing someone or not. You know how she keeps everything pretty tight. But, if she doesn't admit that there's a problem, it isn't going to go away. It's only going to get worse."

"What do we do?"

"Keep having her back, bro. Look, I've known Beckett longer than you have. It's hard for her to ask for help. It's just who she is."

"Do we go to Gates?"

"Not yet. We watch her. I'll let you know if it gets to the point where we have to involve Gates. Just give her space. Believe me when I tell you that the last thing a person with PTSD wants or needs is someone crowding them or asking a lot of questions. This is about pride, bro. The last thing that Beckett's ever going to do is admit that she has a problem."

***CCC***

Kate couldn't sleep. Too many random thoughts kept going through her head. One person shot and killed from a distance could be a random event. But now with a second victim, the thought that there was somebody picking off New Yorkers from the window of one of the high rises that populated the city was terrifying.

She knew what it was like to feel like a sitting duck. One minute you're giving a eulogy for your beloved captain and the next you're laying on the ground bleeding to death as your partner/best friend looks on with a horrified expression on his face, telling you that he loves you.

She walked over to the mirror in the corner of her bedroom and removed the shirt that she was wearing, staring at the two scars that now marred her body. The one on her left breast was now about the size of a dime. She pressed her fingers to it, remembering the very first time that she'd looked at it when the bandage had been removed at the hospital. When she touched it, her mind flashed back to the jolting heat she'd felt when the bullet had smashed into her.

The other scar was along the right side of her body. It was about five inches long and to her, it still looked hideous. Josh had explained to her about the lung collapse. He'd told her about cutting her open and shoving his hand into the incision to quickly insert a chest tube so that she could breathe. This was the scar that was preventing her from completely moving on with her life. It bothered her far more than the scar on her chest. If she moved wrong, it still pulled, causing her to sometimes cry out in extreme pain. No amount of pain killers worked for the pain. This scar was the reason why Roger had suggested the resistance band training. He told her that it would loosen the scar up and give her more freedom of movement. She put her shirt back on and went back out to the living room.

Lately, Kate had taken to alcohol when she couldn't sleep. It usually numbed her brain and allowed her to sleep for a couple of hours. But tonight, the Scotch wasn't helping. She poured the last of her bottle into her glass as she tried to erase the flashes in her brain. But, tonight the flashes seemed far too real. She closed her blinds and dove for cover as she saw someone with a sniper rifle putting her in his crosshairs. In her frenzy to get away, she knocked the table over, shattering her glass in the process.

She cut her arm on the broken shards of glass as she went for her gun and hightailed it to the other side of the room. It was only then that her terror eased and she realized that nobody was there. It was only her and her rapidly pounding heart. She looked at her left arm and saw the blood flowing down her forearm.

She got up and made her way into the bathroom where she found a roll of gauze and some tape. She applied pressure to the cut until it stopped bleeding, checked for pieces of glass and after she was satisfied that the wound contained no glass, she dressed it with antiseptic ointment and bandaged it up. Hopefully nobody would ask any questions. To all of them it would just serve as more evidence that she was falling down the rabbit hole, just like she had with her mother's murder.

***CC***

The shooting the next morning was what finally convinced Castle that Kate was no longer holding it together. That was when he knew that if something wasn't done, they were going to have to bring in Gates.

The call came from a high-rise office building. When Castle and Kate entered the building, an EMT was bringing out a young woman on a gurney. "How many people are dead?" Kate asked.

"None," the EMT said.

"Thank God," Castle muttered.

"This is Emily Reese. She works on the 15th floor."

"Emily, my name is Det. Kate Beckett. Can you tell me anything about the man who shot you?"

"Why? Why would anybody try to kill me? I haven't done anything to anybody!" The young woman sobbed as she pulled an oxygen mask away from her mouth.

"We need to get her to the hospital!" The EMT shouted.

"No!" She grabbed Kate's arm. "Don't let them take me out there! He's still out there! He's trying to kill me! Don't let them take me!"

At Emily's first contact with her arm, Kate's heart began to pound and she felt panic setting in. She just wanted to run. "Get her out of here!" She shouted as Castle stared at her.

As the EMT pushed the gurney forward, Kate began running down the hall, tugging at her gloves while she ran. "Beckett!" Castle called after her, watching while she ran into an entrance marked 'Employees Only.' "Kate!"

He found himself wanting to follow her, but remembered what Espo had told him the night before. If she was in the middle of a PTSD episode, the last thing he needed to do was follow her.

Inside the narrow hallway, Kate quickly stripped out of her gloves, her jacket, her badge and gun. She then began sobbing hysterically. "I can't," she gasped between sobs.

She slid to the floor; feeling like she was losing what was left of her sanity. First the night before and now this. She didn't know how to make these waves of terror and panic go away. Right now she just wanted to curl up into a ball and not come out until whatever this was that was happening to her went away. "Beckett!" She heard Castle's voice from the other side of the door.

She wiped at her eyes. She knew that she couldn't let him see her like this. "I'm okay, Castle!" She finally managed to call out. "Just give me a few minutes."

After taking a deep breath and slowly counting to 20, she slowly rose to her feet, gathered up her gear, ran her hands through her hair and slowly opened the door. Castle's blue eyes were full of concern when she came out. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Castle. Let's get back to the precinct," she said, walking ahead of him out of the building and into the cool fall day.

When they arrived back at the precinct, Kate excused herself to go to the ladies room while Castle sought out Javi. He told him what had happened at the office building with Emily Reese. "She's falling apart. She's losing her ability to cope. You're the only person who understands what she's going through. You said that someone was there for you when you needed it. You need to try to help her," he said as Javi nodded in understanding.

"I'll take care of it, bro," he assured his friend.

***CCC***

Later that afternoon, Kate stood in the room where the sniper had shot his first victim. Gone was the haunted look that had been in her eyes. Instead it had been replaced with a steely resolve thanks to a teammate who was now more than a brother to her. He'd given her part of her life back.

_When she came out of the bathroom, Javi approached her. "Beckett, I need to show you something," he glanced toward Castle._

_She followed him to the property room. "What're we doing here, Espo?" She asked as she followed him into the room, as the door swung shut behind her._

"_I need to show you something," he walked around the table and pulled out a huge rifle._

"_What is that?" She asked suspiciously as she nervously eyed the weapon._

"_This is the rifle that shot you."_

"_You're way out of line," her eyes filled with tears as she looked away from him._

"_Just look at it."_

"_What the hell are you doing?" Her voice began rising hysterically._

"_I've been where you are. I know what you're going through."_

"_Javi, I'm fine."_

"_You're not fine! You're just trying to act like you are. This is just a tool. It's a hunk of steel. It has no magical powers. And the person who fired it is not some all-powerful God. It's just a guy. With a gun. Just like the guy we're hunting now. And like every other bad guy, he's damaged goods."_

"_So am I."_

"_That's right. And that's okay. You think it's a weakness. Make it a strength. It's a part of you. So use it."_

She stood right now with the rifle Javi had shown her, looking through the scope. She knew that he was right. If she crawled into a corner like she had after her mother's murder, they'd never catch this guy. She was sure that Castle had probably been to one who sought out Esposito. But her partner knew that it was because the Iraq war veteran would be the one person who'd understand without making her feel like a failure. Javi was right. Sure, she was damaged goods, but she could come out of this stronger than ever if she thought it through and turned it to her advantage.

***CCC***

By the next morning it was all over, as suddenly as it had begun. After completing all of the necessary paperwork, Kate sent Castle home and sought out Espo, who was finishing up his own paperwork. "Were you ashamed when they told you? That you had it?" She asked as she sat in Ryan's recently vacated chair. He didn't even have to ask what 'it' she was referring to.

"Yeah," he nodded. "I remember telling the doc that I was too damn tough to have PTSD. I hadn't gotten shot nor had parts of my body blown off of me. He told me that some combat veterans process their experience differently. Beckett . . . Kate, it doesn't go away. But, you can learn to control it instead of letting it control you."

"Do you still get attacks?"

"Not nearly as much as I used to. I have a good guy that I talk to when I need to. That helps. I'm sure I'll be talking to him about this, as a matter of fact. I can ask him to recommend a civilian for you, if you want me to."

"I've already got somebody, but thanks. Uh Javi, I'd really appreciate it—"

"It's cool."

"Thanks," she gave him a small smile as she got to her feet. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow," he said in return.

Watching her make her way to the elevator, Javier Esposito had no doubt in his mind that his boss would work things out. There was no doubt that Beckett was the toughest chica that he knew. If anybody could kick PTSD's ass, it would be her.

**A/N #4: This chapter was harder to write than I thought it was going to be. But it coincided with the airing of the episode on TNT, finally. I didn't want to paraphrase the whole episode, so I hope that I did the chapter justice. The next chapter is going to be Kate finally accepting help and a shoulder to cry on from Castle. We're nearing the home stretch, ladies and gents. **

**A/N #5: Moment of levity time. I have about 30 episode of 'Castle' on my DVR right now. Until I can afford to buy it on DVD, TNT and reruns on ABC will have to suffice. I was watching 'Nikki Heat' yesterday and the funniest line in the whole episode came courtesy of Ryan as he, Castle, and Beckett were watching Natalie Rhodes in front of the murder board. 'We should have a code word so that we know which Beckett to kill when her clone army attacks.' We were still laughing over that line last night. That, and Kate's spit take when Natalie asked if Castle was gay.**


	8. Chapter 8--Emotional Rescue

**Disclaimers: If I owned 'Castle,' I'd be living on an island somewhere and my great-niece and great-nephew would have around the clock nannies so that my mother wouldn't have to deal with them.**

**Summary: It's Castle to the rescue again, as they talk about the recently closed sniper case as well as other issues. Does she admit that she remembers everything from that day in the cemetery? Uh, no. I hate going against canon. But, there'll still be fluffiness, I promise.**

Chapter 8: Emotional Rescue

Rick Castle was exhausted when he entered the loft that afternoon. Alexis raced to the door to meet him when she heard his key in the lock. "Daddy, are you okay? Is it true that they caught the sniper?"

"He was shot and killed," Castle confirmed, hugging and kissing his beautiful red-headed daughter.

"How's Det. Beckett?"

"She's fine. Where's Gram?"

"Out with friends. I made a quiche. I thought that you might be hungry."

"Sweetie, I am hungry, but I'm also exhausted. It's been a rough few days."

"Are you sure that Det. Beckett's okay? You didn't seem so sure yesterday."

"Well, I don't think that she's 100 percent, but I'm willing to give her a few days," he went and took a beer from the refrigerator. He couldn't help but notice that Alexis seemed pensive. "What's on your mind?"

"I was just thinking," she said. "You've been a great friend to her during these last few months. Maybe she needs a shoulder to cry on. I've been thinking that all of this has probably hit a little too close to home. Sometimes you don't always admit that you're not holding up so well. You've said yourself that she holds her emotions in. But, I think that's because she hasn't had someone there who's been willing to listen to her."

"One day I'm going to figure out where in the hell you got your insight from," he smiled, walking around the counter and planting a kiss on the top of her head. "Don't wait up."

"Don't worry, I won't," she smiled.

***CCC***

When she walked into her apartment, the only thing Kate was thinking of was a hot bath and a glass of wine. She'd just had another session with Dr. Burke, where she'd told him that she thought that she was ready to try to put her mother's death where it belonged. In the past. As he'd told her, she couldn't let down a person who was already dead. She thought back to her conversation with Castle before he left the precinct.

_She'd come to her desk to find Castle sitting there in his usual spot. "What're you doing, Castle?" She asked as she sat down._

"_Waiting for my partner. Maybe you've seen her. Pretty girl. Thinks that she can leap tall buildings at a single bound. Carries the weight of the world on her shoulders. But still finds the time to laugh at some of my jokes."_

"_She sounds like a handful," Kate said, willing to play along._

"_Tell me about it," he sighed, glancing at her. "Anyway, when you see her, tell her that she owes me about a hundred coffees."_

"_Castle?" She called out to him._

"_Yeah?" He turned to look at her._

"_Thank you."_

"_For what?"_

"_For not pushing me. For giving me the space to work through this."_

"_Always," he whispered._

'Always.' He'd told her that after she'd thanked him for saving her from Lockwood. He'd told her that when they were freezing to death in a locked storage container. It seemed to be his go-to word. She didn't fully understand his love of that particular word, but when he said it to her, it sent shivers down her spine. She was beginning to feel as if it was their word.

She went into the bathroom and turned on the taps as she filled the tub with her favorite bubble bath. After soaking in the scented water for a long time, she got out and wrapped a towel around her hair while she dressed in a pair of yoga pants and an old t-shirt. She heard the knock on her door just as she finished dressing.

She walked to the door and opened it, surprised to find Castle standing there with a bag in his hand. "Castle, what're you doing here?"

"When I left my loft, the thought occurred to me that you probably hadn't eaten and probably wouldn't eat until I showed at the next crime scene carrying a bear claw and your usual coffee. So, I come bearing food," he held up the bag.

"Come on in, Castle," she waved him in, shutting the door behind him. "Take it over to the couch and pull the coffee table closer. I'll get plates."

Watching her reach for plates, Castle noticed the white gauze covering her forearm. He hadn't seen it before. "What happened to your arm?"

"Oh, nothing," she brought two plates and silverware over to the table. "I forgot napkins."

"Don't worry about it. I think they gave us plenty," he removed the containers from the plastic bag. "We also have chopsticks."

"Would you like some wine? Or beer? I think there's some Sam Adams in the fridge," she said.

"Do you have anything non-alcoholic?"

"I have grape soda and root beer."

"Root beer sounds great," he smiled watching as she went to grab the drinks. "I've never known you to turn down wine, Castle."

"Espo and I got into a drinking contest the other night at The Old Haunt. I lost," he said with a mouthful of rice.

"Yeah, Javi's a power drinker," she smiled. "He can even drink me under the table."

She figured that must've been when he'd sought Esposito. "What did you tell Esposito about me?"

"I was worried about you, Kate," he watched her get up and began walking around the room. "We all were. We're family and we care about you. I saw the look on his face when you freaked out at the second crime scene."

"So, you went behind my back?"

"I knew that you wouldn't talk about it. I knew that Espo would be the best person to talk to you. I thought that maybe you'd open up to him in ways that you still won't open up to me. I'm sorry if you feel like I betrayed you."

"Why didn't you come after me yesterday? When I ran off in the middle of that crime scene at The Grace Centre?"

"Two reasons," he took a drink of his root beer. "One, Espo had told me to give you some room. And, I knew that if I followed you back there, you'd only get angry and shove me away. Can I ask you what happened?"

"When Emily grabbed my arm, it was like I couldn't breathe. It was worse than anything that happened last summer. I felt like everything was weighing me down. I just needed to run and strip everything off. I thought that if I took all of it off, then maybe I could breathe again."

"What about the other day when you walked out of the bullpen? Was it the same thing?"

"No," she shook her head. "That was personal."

"Are you still having nightmares?" He asked.

"No, now it's something much worse. Flashbacks. I'd trade the flashbacks for nightmares any time."

"What do you see when you have them?"

"I'll be back in a minute. I have to go and dry my hair," she quickly left the room, leaving Castle feeling bewildered. He sighed as he realized that she was once again running and hiding, just like all of the times before.

She returned moments later and took her seat next to him on the sofa. "I still don't remember anything about that day, Castle. I wish that I did."

"So do I. Now, can I ask you a question? When you asked Lanie if Sarah Vasquez felt anything, were you really asking about yourself?"

"I told you that I don't remember being shot. I know that when I woke up, it was the absolutely worse pain I've ever felt in my life. But, you know the strange part. The hole in my chest doesn't hurt nearly as much as where they put in the damn chest tube."

"Your dad said that the scar was longer than it usually is for a chest tube."

"Josh got impatient," she looked at him. "That's what my doctor told me. I was dying and he got impatient. So now I can't do a fucking thing because every time I lift my arm, my side feels like someone's sticking a hot knife into it. I just want to be normal, Castle! I want to do what I used to do!"

"Now who's being impatient?" He couldn't help but flash her a familiar grin.

"I'm athletic. I always have been. I'm not used to being held back by my own body."

"Kate, you have to give yourself time."

"You never said what brought you over here tonight," she picked up their plates and went into the kitchen.

"Alexis suggested it. She thought that you might want to talk."

"About what?"

"Would you please come over here and sit down?" He patted the seat next to him, smiling at the always familiar Beckett eye-roll when she came back and sat beside him. "I watched this case change you practically overnight. One day you're dressed in bright colors and the next you're wearing dark blue or black."

"Castle, in case you haven't noticed, I wear a lot of dark colors."

"I just think that this case might've hit a little too close to home," she winced when he picked up her injured arm and examined the gauze surrounding it. "What happened?"

"I was a little bit drunk," she admitted, pulling her arm free. "I started having the most god-awful flashbacks. I knocked this table over and my glass was on it. I cut my arm on the broken glass."

"How bad is it?" He asked, taking her arm and unwrapping the gauze as she tried to wrench free of him. "Beckett, let me see it!"

"Castle, stop!" She continued trying to pull her arm free, but he was unrelenting.

He looked at her while he examined the cut on her arm. It was long and nasty looking, but it didn't appear to be deep enough to have required sutures. "Where's your first aid kit?"

"In the bathroom. I'll—"

"No, I've got it," he got up and went in search of her first aid kit.

He brought the kit to the sofa and opened it, removing antiseptic ointment, gauze, and tape. He carefully treated the cut before wrapping it in the clean gauze and taping it. "Why are you doing this?"

"Do you really need to ask?"

He could see her defenses starting to crumble while he watched. He sat back against the corner of the sofa and pulled her into his shoulder. At first she resisted, as he knew that she would. But eventually she relaxed into his shoulder while they sat there in silence. "Tall buildings at a single bound, huh?" She asked, breaking the silence.

"Sometimes," he whispered into her hair. "I think I'll get you a cape for your next birthday."

"With a giant 'B' on the front?" She grinned.

"Or a 'K,'" he added. "Can I ask another question?"

"You're full of questions tonight, Castle."

"What're your plans for Thanksgiving?"

"Dad and I are going to the cabin. But, I wouldn't be averse to a certain someone coming up on . . . say Friday? We could take a long walk and then he could maybe give me a ride back to the city," she glanced up at her partner.

"I know a few guys who might be willing to take a drive into the mountains. I'll ask around," he teased.

"Castle, when I think of this whole thing, I keep thinking back to Emily. Not just to the way that I reacted, but to how scared she was. I mean, I know why I was shot. But to be shot and not know the reason why. How do we explain to her that she was shot because some asshole was jealous of her happiness?"

Castle didn't answer, but he could feel Kate's body shake with sobs as he held her against his shoulder. After several minutes, the sobs began to ease and he felt her relaxing more against him. He smiled when he heard her breathing even out. He didn't know how long it had been since she'd really slept. None of them had slept much since this whole nightmare had started. Like he'd told her, it was almost like the D.C. sniper case all over again.

He carefully got up from the sofa and laid her down before going into her bedroom and finding a throw on the back of a rocking chair in one corner of her room. He carefully placed it over her before brushing her hair from her face. He then walked over and quietly let himself out of the apartment.

***CCC***

_The Friday after Thanksgiving_

It was a beautiful fall day. Instead of taking the Ferrari, Castle decided on renting a Jeep. At this time of the year, you could never be sure of what kind of weather you were going to encounter in the mountains of New York. A Jeep just felt safer. Since both of his resident redheads had plans for the day, it was a great day for him to take a drive.

He texted Kate and told her he'd be at the cabin by noon. The plan was for him to have lunch with Kate and her father, take a long walk with her, as they'd talked about and head back to the city before it got too dark.

She'd seemed calmer in the last week. He knew that a lot of it had to do with the resolution of the Lee Travis case. But, he knew that it was more than that, he just couldn't put his finger on what had brought about the changes. He hoped that someday she'd tell him.

When he pulled up in front of the cabin, she was sitting on the front steps waiting for him. She was dressed in a pair of jeans and a thick cable-knit sweater, her hair pulled back behind her. "What, no Ferrari, Castle?" She teased as she came down the steps to greet him.

"Maybe next time."

"Come on, dad has lunch waiting."

Jim Beckett stood up when Kate led Castle into the house. "Mr. Castle, nice to see you again," Kate's father came over to shake his hand.

"It's Rick and it's nice to see you again, too. At least we're meeting over much better circumstances this time."

"Yes, we are," Jim couldn't help but beam at his daughter. "Please, have a seat. Katie has made enough for an army."

"That's only because you've never seen Castle eat," she told her father.

"Hey, the pizza was a dare from Ryan and Esposito," he made a face, laughing when she rolled her eyes. "And there go the eyes."

"Oh, Katie doesn't have anything on the eye-roll. Jo had it down to a science," Kate smiled, listening to her father reminiscing about her mother.

"Around the precinct we refer to it as the 'Beckett eye-roll,'" he told her father.

"I like that," Jim Beckett laughed, watching Kate grinning as she bit down on her lower lip, another mannerism that she'd picked up from her mother.

After lunch was over, Jim offered to clean up while Kate led Castle outside. "I think my dad likes you," she admitted shyly when they walked down the steps.

"He's a great guy, Kate. Can I tell you something?" He asked.

"Sure. What's on your mind?"

"A couple of days before you got shot, he came to the loft. He begged me to get you to back off of the case. He was scared, Kate. He'd already lost your mother and he said that he couldn't bear it if he were to lose you, too. He said that you cared about me and he thought that you might listen to me. He wanted me to convince you that your life was worth more than your mother's death."

"That's why you came to my apartment," she guessed as he nodded. "Her case has consumed almost every waking minute of my life for 12 years now. It's something that I'm trying to work on, but it hasn't been easy."

"I know," he looked at her, holding his hand out toward her.

She glanced down at his hand, thinking back to the first time she'd ever reached for his hand. It had been the night that they'd rescued him and Ryan from Jerry Tyson's clutches. It was the first time that she'd ever truly seen Castle scared. She remembered reaching for his hand to offer him a small measure of comfort, watching his face trying to process how close to death he'd come that night.

She took his offered hand, smiling at his much larger fingers closing around hers. She gave him a small smile, watching while he returned the smile. "I have something to show you," she tugged on his hand while he had no choice but to follow her. "I want to show you my favorite place to sit and think. Not even my father knows about it."

"So, I should feel honored?" He was amused as he followed along behind her.

"More like privileged, Castle," she walked down a familiar path. He could hear rushing water down below while he kept following her, ducking under low tree branches as they walked.

She stopped at a clearing next to a huge boulder. Down below, the river swirled angrily against the shore. "Wow," he breathed, taking a look around him. "This is great."

"I discovered this rock when I was 12 years old. I'd had this awful argument with my mother because she'd caught me in her makeup for what she called the 100th time. Everything that I ever got busted for, she called it the 100th time," she rolled her eyes while Castle couldn't help but chuckle. "I can still remember her coming into the bathroom, where I was standing at the mirror with _her _makeup. I remember her telling me, 'Katie, you're too young to wear makeup. I don't understand why you're in such a big hurry to grow up.' When I told her that all of my friends were wearing it, she says, 'If all of your friends were jumping off of the Empire State Building, would you be right behind them?' That was always her answer when I told her that all of my friends were doing something that I wasn't allowed to do. So, I ran out of the cabin and just kept walking. Eventually, I ended up right here."

"It's peaceful here," he looked up into the trees over their heads.

"I'd come up here at first just to sit and think. Last summer I spent a lot of time up here with my iPod, listening to Coltrane and Dylan."

"Dylan, huh? Acoustic or electric?"

"Some of both. You like Dylan?"

"I like a little of everything. It depends on my mood. I like classical, country, oldies, heavy metal. It just depends on how I'm feeling. I never took you for a blues fan."

"My father bought me my first Coltrane album when I was eight years old. I'd never even heard of him, but I fell in love with the first notes. I don't think I'd ever heard anything so . . . perfect. I listen to him and the world just melts away."

He smiled, listening to her talk about John Coltrane. There was something magical that came over her face while she described how he made her feel. "So, Coltrane is better than sex?" He couldn't help asking.

"So far, yeah," she laughed. "When I ever have sex that's better than Coltrane, it's going to be pretty fucking mind blowing."

"Don't worry, I'm sure that guy is out there somewhere," he smiled at her.

"I'm sure that he is, too," she couldn't help blushing when he squeezed her fingers.

**A/N #1: Okay, I have to end it right there on something of a high note. The next chapter opens the door to hope for Castle. My boyfriend/proofreader suggested the line about Coltrane being better than sex. For the record, I don't like the blues, so I've never listened to Coltrane. He has and says that Coltrane is awesome.**

**A/N #2: I was re-watching 'Kill Shot' last night and noticed a MAJOR continuity error. When Kate showed her scar to Lee Travis, the scar was on her other breast and was a different shape than it had been earlier in the episode when she was looking at it in the mirror.**


	9. Chapter 9--The Walls Are Crumbling

**Disclaimer: I own a massive CD collection and all six seasons of 'Lost' on DVD. However, I don't own 'Castle.' Andrew W. Marlowe has that privilege.**

**Summary: Kate's walls begin coming down with help from Dr. Burke. She learns the reason behind Castle's cold shoulder following her revelation in '47 Seconds.'**

**A/N #1: Except for 'Undead Again' and 'Always,' I didn't like the few episodes that followed '47 Seconds.' I didn't like angry Castle. I mean, that I don't like angry Castle when he's mad at Kate. I was glad the old Castle came back in time for 'Undead Again.' It had one of my favorite Castle lines: 'That my friends, is a zombie. The killer's a zombie!' The events of 'Undead Again' segued perfectly into 'Always.' Anyway, I'm going AU on this one, folks.**

**A/N #2: I have to respond to the guest reviewer who reviewed Chapter 6 saying that they didn't understand what this story had to do with Kate coming back from DC. This isn't a Season 6 story. It's set in Season 4. I didn't like 'Watershed,' so I've opted to wait to see what Kate's answer is going to be. I do have a Season 6 story on this site that has nothing to do with 'Watershed.' **

Chapter 9: The Walls Are Crumbling

_May 1, 2012_

"So, how are things?" Dr. Burke asked, looking at Kate sitting in her usual chair, her long legs tucked underneath her.

"Getting better," she bit her lip to keep from laughing.

"Are you going to let me in on the joke, Kate?" He couldn't help asking.

"We're working on a case that has some strange aspects to it. Castle seems to be having a good time with it."

"Does he still seem angry?"

"No, he seems to be the Castle that we all know and love."

For the last several weeks, Castle had appeared angry, but Kate didn't know the reason why. He'd been making sarcastic remarks and shooting her hard looks. And then just a couple of weeks ago he'd teamed up with Det. Ethan Slaughter, who'd almost managed to get him killed. After that, he'd come back to shadow her once again.

Now they were working this case involving supposed zombies. Kate knew that she could insist until the cows came home that there was no such thing as zombies, werewolves, vampires, or other creatures that go bump in the night, but her childlike partner strongly disagreed. Just like the vampire that they'd found in the graveyard two years before, he was once again in his element. Watching his exuberance as they worked the case made Kate smile. For some reason, seeing him happy made her happy.

***CCC***

Castle had been only too happy to don scary makeup and play the part of a zombie in order to catch a killer. It combined two of his favorite things; solving a murder and monsters. He'd gotten the boys to take pictures of him so that he could post them to his Facebook page. He'd then taken one with his own phone to send to Alexis. "Do you want one, Beckett?" He asked as he took yet another picture.

"Sure, Castle. Why not?" She looked up from her paperwork.

"Come on, Kate. Don't roll your eyes. Admit it, I look cool."

"Okay, I'll admit that you look a _little _cool," she conceded as he grinned. "Can I talk to you when you're finished sending your zombie pic to all of your contacts?"

"Sure," he said as he took one more picture as she couldn't help shaking her head at the nine-year-old in him.

"So, what's on your mind, detective?" He put his phone in his pocket before turning to face his partner.

Looking at him, she didn't know how she was supposed to have a serious conversation with someone who was dressed like he was about to go to a Halloween party. "Let's get some coffee," she got up and walked to the break room as he got up and followed her. "I'm glad that you're back as part of my team, Castle. I thought that Slaughter was going to kill you."

"Yeah, I was beginning to get that feeling, too," he smiled as she handed him a cup of coffee.

"Castle, I don't know what I did or what I said, but I'm sorry."

He looked down at his coffee cup when she started talking. He knew exactly what she'd done. She'd lied to him. She claimed that she didn't remember anything about the moments after her shooting. For the past several months it had been business as usual as he tried to bury his feelings for her. Then a few weeks before he'd overheard her interrogating a young man during their investigation of a possible terrorist bombing. He'd overheard her telling the young man about being shot in the chest and remembering every single second of what had happened. The news had angered and devastated him. He couldn't believe that she'd lied to him. He loved her so much. He didn't know why she was trying to push him away.

"You didn't do anything wrong. It was me."

"I know that we're not at our swings, but I have something that I need to tell you. I've been in therapy since after the shooting. I originally went because I had to, but when I froze right after I returned to work, I decided that I needed to go back."

"Has it been helping?"

"At first, it didn't, but that's because I was resisting. Once I decided to let him help me, it has been helping. Do you remember when I told you about the walls that I've built around me?" She reminded him as he nodded. "I think that those walls are coming down."

"Well, I'd like to be there when they do."

"Yeah," she smiled shyly. "I'd like for you to be there, too."

"Kate, would you like to go and grab something to eat?"

"With you looking like that?" She asked in amusement.

"We can stop by the loft first so that I can clean up, and then we can go out. Or we can pick up something or order in."

"Actually, I think that I'd like to go out and eat."

"Come on," he led the way out of the break room and toward the elevators.

***CCC***

As usual, Martha was delighted when Castle brought Kate home with him. "Katherine! How are you?" The older woman greeted Kate exuberantly. "Richard, you should really get more sleep. You look like the walking dead."

"I think that was the whole idea," Kate laughed as Rick glared at both of them.

"I'm going to clean up. I'll be back in a jiffy."

"Sit down and talk to me," Martha showed Kate over to the sofa. "How have you been?"

"I've been great. I'm always better in the spring once the snow finally ends."

"Oh me, too. So, what are you and Richard up to tonight?"

"He's taking me out to dinner. We wrapped up a case, so we're going to celebrate. Where's Alexis?"

"Working on a school project with her friend Paige. Did Richard tell you that she's valedictorian?"

"It's all that he's talked about. He has every right to be proud. He told me that she's worried about her speech. She's so eloquent that no matter what she says, she's going to be great."

"That's what we've told her too, but she so over thinks things sometimes."

"Okay, all ready," Castle re-entered the room as he finished tying his tie.

"Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to be underdressed?" Kate looked at Martha.

"For heaven's sake, Richard. Lose the tie," his mother told him.

"Okay. I really didn't want to wear one, anyway," he grinned as both women rolled their eyes.

Usually when they had dinner together, it was burgers at Remy's or Chinese. Going downstairs in the elevator, they debated their choices and finally decided on seafood. The place he took her to was nice and cozy. "I have this addiction to shrimp," she smiled when the waiter handed them their menus.

"Me, too. I'm kind of like that guy in 'Forrest Gump.' It doesn't matter how you cook it, I love shrimp. Can I ask a question?" She nodded. "Do you talk about me with your therapist?"

"That's supposed to be privileged, Castle," she reminded him. "I talk about lots of things. Yes, you are among the stuff that I talk about. But so is Ryan, Esposito, Lanie, my dad . . . my mom."

"Can I ask why you went back after you were cleared?"

"I told you. It started when I froze that one day. It made me realize that maybe I wasn't as ready to come back to work as I'd thought I was. So, can we talk about something else? Is Meredith coming to Alexis' graduation?"

"No," he said as the waiter brought their drinks over. "The first major milestone of her daughter's life and she has other plans."

"I'm so sorry, Rick," she placed her hand over his. "Alexis must've been crushed."

"No, that's just it, Kate. She's gotten so used to being rejected by her that it doesn't even seem to faze her anymore. It's been like this her whole life."

"I can tell you from past experience that Alexis might act like Meredith's rejection doesn't hurt, but I can tell you that it does. But, she's never going to admit it to you and she's certainly not going to tell her mother."

"Not that it would matter if she did tell Meredith. Deep-fried Twinkie, remember?"

"Rick . . . never mind," she shook her head as the waiter came over with their appetizer.

"What? You can ask me anything."

"Did you demand custody or did Meredith just hand Alexis over to you? I'm sorry, that didn't come out the way that I meant it to."

"I was going to ask for custody. After all, I stayed home all day, so I'd always be there for Alexis. At first, she fought me tooth and nail. I didn't want to drag my then two-year-old daughter through a decade long custody fight. We fought for almost a year. Meredith would make dates to see Alexis and then she wouldn't show up. Or, when she did pick her up, she'd call and tell me that she was flying her somewhere. It just got where it was too confusing for Alexis. We went to counseling and they convinced Meredith that it would be in everybody's best interest, but especially Alexis' if she gave primary custody over to me. I didn't ask for child support, and I agreed to let Meredith see Alexis as often as she wanted, which isn't nearly often enough in my opinion. I've watched over the years as she's missed birthdays, Christmases, school plays, and now our daughter's graduation."

"I'm so sorry, Castle."

"Kate, I regret the time that I spent, or I should say, wasted, on that woman. But, I've never regretted one moment of being Alexis' dad. I'd do that part all over again in a minute."

"Even if it meant deep-fried Twinkie all over again?"

"Maybe I could skip that part," he made a face as she laughed. "So, the walls coming down, huh?"

"Yeah, it is," she smiled.

"Does that mean there'll be no more playground therapy?"

"Oh, I'm sure that there'll be times when I could still use some playground therapy. I like your therapy better anyway, Castle. At least your brand of therapy is free."

***CCC***

As she lay in bed that night, Kate thought about her dinner with Castle. Tonight had given her the first real glimpse of how hurt he was by his ex-wife's treatment of their daughter. While she had no doubt that Meredith loved Alexis, she sometimes got the impression that to her, Alexis was just another possession that she could show off when the mood struck her.

Kate knew that she would've given anything to have her mother be there when she had graduated from college. There were times after her mother had died that she'd longed to have her there to talk to. She learned even before her father's alcoholism had gotten bad, that there were things that she just couldn't go to him about. She was sure that Alexis must surely feel the same way. Having the cool dad was great, but she'd learned that Castle was so overprotective of his daughter that she wasn't sure Alexis would want to talk to him about everything.

She also thought about what he'd said when she'd apologized to him earlier that afternoon about whatever she had said or done to upset him. He'd told her that it hadn't been her, it had been him, but she wasn't so sure about that. She was trying to pinpoint when Castle's behavior had started changing. Thinking back, she realized that it had been during the bombing of a few weeks before. They had all been on edge, thinking at first that it had been a terrorist attack or the work of protestors.

She'd been so busy interrogating suspects that she hadn't noticed at first that he had changed. But his biting comments and the looks that he kept giving her told her that something was wrong. It was only during this latest case that the old Castle seemed to have returned. She wondered if maybe he hadn't liked the way that she'd questioned some of the suspects. She knew that had sometimes bothered him in the past. She decided to go through the tapes the next morning.

***CCC***

She went into the precinct early and looked for the DVD's from the bombing interrogations. She then locked herself away and began examining the interviews that she'd done. It was when she got to the interview that she'd done with one of the young men that she thought that she'd found the answer she was looking for. He claimed that he couldn't remember anything after the bomb had gone off because he was in shock.

"_Do you want to know trauma? I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it."_

Had Castle been standing in observation? She knew that he hadn't been in the room with her. She removed the DVD and took it back to evidence before going back to her desk. She was sitting there with her head in her hands when Ryan walked in. "Beckett, you look like somebody just shot your puppy," he sat down on the edge of her desk. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Ryan, tell Gates that I had to step out for a little while," she got up and headed for the elevator.

"Beckett, where are you going?"

"Therapy!" She called over her shoulder.

Ryan was still puzzling over her answer when Esposito got there. "Where's Beckett?"

"She said something about therapy. Do you know what she's talking about?"

"I wouldn't worry about it, bro," Espo told his partner. He'd promised Beckett after the sniper case had ended that he wouldn't discuss his boss' PTSD with the rest of the team. "She'll be back."

***CCC***

"He knows that I lied!" Kate was pacing furiously in Dr. Burke's office as the psychologist watched her with a contemplative look on his face.

"How can you be sure?"

"I went back through the interviews that I'd done after the Boylan Plaza bombing. One of the suspects claimed that he didn't remember anything after the bombing. He told me that he was suffering from traumatic amnesia. I said something about remembering every detail from the day that I was shot. I think that Castle was in the observation room. If he was, then he heard every word that I said and he knows that _I lied_!"

"Was that when he changed?"

"Yeah. At first I thought maybe he was angry because I was waiting too long. But I'm pretty sure that he heard what I said."

"What do you plan to do?"

"I don't know," she came over and sat in her chair. "What do you think that I should do?"

"Face some harsh realities."

"What in the hell are you talking about?"

"Kate, we've talked about your mother, her murder, your walls, your father's alcoholism, and Richard Castle. You said that he told you that he loved you, but you weren't sure whether he truly meant it or not. There's only one way you're ever going to be sure. You said that he knows that you lied to him. It's time for you to confront the lie head on."

"He's been as hurt by the women in his life as I have by the things that I've done in my life."

"Are you afraid of saying those three little words back to him, Kate?"

"If I say those words to him, it's going to change everything," she wiped at her eyes.

"Yes, it will. But, sometimes change is a good thing, Kate."

When she came out of Dr. Burke's, she drove back to the precinct. Castle was sitting in his usual spot when she stepped off of the elevator. "Hi," he looked at her. "Are you okay?"

"Can you come by my apartment when we get out of here today? I need to talk to you, and I have a feeling that the swings might not be a great idea."

"Why? Is one of us going to be yelling and screaming?"

"Maybe."

"Okay, I'll drop by at around seven. Is that okay?"

"Seven's fine."

***CCC***

Waiting for Castle to arrive, Kate thought about what she was going to say to him. Her mother had always stressed the truth. In this case, the truth was really the only thing that was going to work. She jumped when she heard his tap on the door shortly before seven. "Hi," she opened the door to let him in.

"What's going on? You sounded so serious this morning."

"I've done an awful thing, and I've hurt you badly in the process. For that, I'm truly, sincerely sorry," her eyes filled with tears.

"Kate—"

"No, please let me say this. Why didn't you tell me that you knew that I'd lied?"

"Because I was hurt," he confessed in a tight voice as he looked at his hands. "I was angry. I felt betrayed. I felt like we were making some kind of progress over the past 11 months. When I heard you talking to that kid that day and you told him that you remembered every second of that day, it felt like I'd just gotten punched in the gut."

"So, that's the reason for the cold shoulder. That's the reason why you decided to shadow Slaughter.," he looked at her as she held out a hand. "Castle, we've been through so much together. You're my partner. You're also my best friend. When I was lying on the ground that day and I heard you telling me that you loved me, I so wanted to say those words back to you. But until that wall comes down, I can't let you in."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to become a Meredith or a Gina and break your heart."

"Don't you understand that what I feel for you is so much deeper than what I felt for them? I was a playboy, Kate. When I met both of them, I wasn't ready to settle down. Even after I was given Alexis, I wasn't ready to settle down. When I met you, I was a clown. Like you told me before you got shot, I was the school's funniest kid."

"Castle—"

"No, it's your turn to let me finish. It was only after you told me how you felt about me looking into your mother's murder that something in me changed. Like you told me, I was too selfish to see that I wasn't looking at her case for you; I was doing it for my own curiosity. You've taught me that while it's still okay to be silly, I also have to be a grownup on occasion."

"I was so scared that day," she remembered, wiping at the tears that were leaking from her eyes. "One minute I was standing there talking about Capt. Montgomery and then I just felt like something slammed into my chest."

"I think that was me."

"No, it was before you tackled me. I saw the blood on my glove and then I saw how scared you looked. You kept begging me to stay with you. And then you told me that you loved me. Everything just hurt so much. And then it was like I didn't feel anything. I just wanted to go to sleep. But, I kept hearing your voice. When you came to the hospital that day . . . when I was with Josh, I was just so confused. It just seemed easier to say that I didn't remember anything. I'm so sorry."

"When you're ready—"

"Believe me, Castle, when the wall falls to the ground, you're going to be the first . . . well, make that the second person to know it. I just don't want to hurt you."

"So, there's maybe hope that this could go somewhere?" He raised his eyebrow as she reached for his hand.

"There's always hope," she smiled.

**A/N #3: I got the idea to have Kate tell him from one of my reviewers, who told me I could take it either way. Doing it this way eliminates part of their major argument from 'Always,' but I wasn't planning on going in that direction, anyway. One more chapter will wrap this little saga into a nice, neat package. Thanks for all of the follows, favorites, and reviews. Please keep it coming.**

**Another tidbit from 'Nikki Heat:' Castle: 'She's committed to the role. You should be flattered.' Kate: 'Yeah, sure. Until she steals my boyfriend and **_**kills**_** me in my **_**sleep**_**.' Love that episode.**


	10. Chapter 10--All Roads Lead Here

**Disclaimer: Nope, they still aren't mine.**

**Summary: No summary because this chapter is pretty self-explanatory.**

**A/N: This chapter is going to be fairly short because I've already written a story based on what happened after 'Always' and 'After the Storm.'**

Chapter 10: All Roads Lead Here

_May 7, 2012_

Kate Beckett still couldn't believe it. It was after midnight and she was lying awake in Rick Castle's bed as he slept beside her, one arm draped over her. The events of the last three days had led her to where she was right now. And she knew that there was no place where she'd rather be. It had taken four years to get here, but now the time was right.

Earlier that afternoon, she would've thought that she'd never see or talk to Castle ever again. She'd been so angry when she'd learned that he'd been steering her away from finding the man who'd shot her in the cemetery that May morning almost a year ago. He'd also reminded her that he loved her. But, she already knew that. And while she loved him, she was afraid to say those words out loud.

After Ryan had rescued her from the roof and she'd been suspended along with Espo, she'd gone to the playground across from Castle's loft. She'd sat on her usual swing in the pouring rain and thought about where her life was headed. She knew that Castle cared deeply about her. He had almost from the beginning. He'd saved her life more times than she cared to remember. Although she'd learned that he'd kept score, which shouldn't have surprised her. It was so . . . Castle.

He'd also done things that had touched her. After her apartment had blown up, he'd found her father's watch in the rubble and had it repaired. He'd brought her flowers after Montgomery had kicked her off of the Raglan investigation. But the most touching thing that he'd ever done was to have a scholarship set up in her mother's name. That was the moment when she realized that she had fallen in love with him.

She moved closer to him, smiling when she felt him instinctively tighten his arm around her. His breath was warm on the back of her neck, and his body was still hot around hers. Her legs were braided between his and right now she was so comfortable and content. If she was a cat, she'd probably be purring right about now.

The first time had been hot and frantic. But the second time. She smiled as she remembered it. She'd never had any man worship her body as Rick Castle had. His hands and mouth had slowly trailed down her body, memorizing every inch of it. And the things that he had done with his hands and his mouth had been . . . wow. There weren't even words to describe it.

She thought back to when he'd come to her father's cabin the day after Thanksgiving. The conversation that they'd had on her rock about John Coltrane and sex. She felt herself blushing as she rolled over so that she could run her fingers through Castle's hair. He opened his eyes and gave her a sleepy smile. "Hey," he whispered.

"Hey," she whispered back, her fingers gentle on his scalp.

"As much as I'd love to go for round three, I think I'm worn out," he kissed her, tracing her lower lip with his tongue as she opened her mouth to allow him entrance. "I still can't believe that you're here."

"Me, either. Do you remember when you asked me about John Coltrane being better than sex?" she smiled shyly.

"Yeah, I remember," he returned her smile.

"I think that tonight was definitely better than John Coltrane. I know that I told you when we first met that you had no idea. But, I'm the one who had no idea."

"I'm glad that you liked it," he gave her that huge Castle grin that she loved.

"I'm so glad that I came here tonight, Castle," she moved into his embrace, as he wrapped his arms around her. "This is exactly where I've always wanted to be. All roads have led me to just where I was always supposed to be."

Holding her in his arms, Castle knew that she was right. He was never happier in his life than he was right at this moment. As he'd told her before she was shot, the only thing he ever wanted was for her to be happy. Now he hoped that they could be happy together.

**A/N #2: Again, I want to thank reviewers, followers, favorites, all of you. I appreciate the constructive criticism because it makes me a better writer. I appreciate those of you who've thanked me and have said that they can't wait for more because it makes me feel validated as a writer, something that is sorely missing from my other fan fiction universe. My next story will probably start being posted early next week and it's going to be a shocker (I hope). At last count I was up to over 30 reviews for this story. My goal is to reach at least 50 for the next one.**

**Last night I watched 'Setup/Countdown.' I almost cried when Castle begged Martha and Alexis to go to the Hamptons. He needed a hug.**


End file.
